Family histories from former Jewish communities of Mlyniv, Ukraine

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Translation of Diary 3 (November 1916 – May 1917)

The continuation of Lamdan's third diary in 1917 follows below or you can return to the overview, the concise summaries or the interpretive summaries of the diary entries.

Diary 1 (June 1914 - September 1914) | Diary 2 (July 1915 - March 1916) | Diary 3 (November - December 1916) or below for 1917. | Diary 4 (January - December 1919).

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Diary 3 (January – May 1917)

January 1917 (Baranovka / Pryluky)
January 8, 1917 (Baranovka) | January 10, 1917 (Baranovka) | January 16, 1917 (Baranovka) | January 30, 1917 (Pryluky)

April 1917 (Pryluky / Novohrad Volinskyi)
April 1, 1917 (Pryluky) | April 8, 1917 (Novohrad Volinskyi) | April 20, 1917 (Novohrad Volinskyi) | April 25, 1917 (Novohrad Volinskyi)

May 1917 (Novohrad Volinskyi)
May 2, 1917 | May 8, 1917 (End of Diary 3)

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January 1917

[January 8, 1917] Monday, 15th [should be: 14th] of [the month of] Tevet, 5677, Baranovka

Nearly three weeks have passed during which I recorded nothing in the diary. There were days actually when I intended to sit down with the diary to write, but for various reasons, the entry was postponed. No changes have yet come about in my living [lit. external] situation. Father is staying now in Mlynov and will certainly arrive here in the coming days. With Father's arrival, I hope my situation also will be clarified, but in the meantime, no decision has yet been made regarding my travel. And I do not know what to do.

Last week I received a postcard from Zehava in reply to the letter that I wrote to her at first about my thoughts about traveling to Lutsk, and if it is possible for me to manage there, and especially if there is no danger in the matter... She writes to me that since she really wants me to come there, and also that it is possible for me to get paid well there [for work], but one reason might hamper my journey there, and she will write to me about this reason and all the details in a special letter. On Monday or Tuesday, I again received a postcard from her, this time as a reply to my second letter, which I sent to her and also to Mr. [Chaikel] Weitz.^[39b] She writes that [her sister] Miriam immediately passed [print page 176] my letter to Mr. Ch. [Chaikel] Weitz and for her part, she spoke with the Kimmelmans^[40] about this, and they also told her that it is possible for me to manage well in the city and to earn a living; but the main thing is whether I feel that I am in complete health...^[40a] I can come there but in spite of this she writes, “Consider the matter well, so that afterwards you won’t say that others are to blame [if things go wrong]. I really want you to come to us and for it to be good for you. But I cannot write to you: 'Come,' for I am not a prophetess who knows [the future], God forbid, what is relevant. Without a travel document, it is impossible to travel, here they already accepted like these, do you understand?^[40b] But it is better to do so without any questions.” Thus she writes to me, but I cannot extract anything clear from her words. I can’t figure out if she thinks I am thinking of coming there without any document in my pocket, or alternatively, if by "travel document" she refers to a passport or a "propusk" [an entry/exit permit]^[41] – therefore I was immediately hurried to write her a postcard in which I asked her to write to me with clearer words. Regarding responsibility [for my decision], I do not want to speak at all; of course, whatever I do, I do on my own responsibility, and yes, I wrote, that I am healthy... The main issue is only whether the climate of the city will harm my health... Regarding this question, I asked her, to please respond with a clear answer, and I will know what to decide. Along with this postcard, I received two more postcards from Miriam and Yankel Kranz.^[42] [52] Miriam also writes: "I very much want you to come here, but advising you, I cannot – you can earn quite nicely here , and if you feel completely healthy – do come here." By no means can I discern the meaning of the concept, "completely healthy," whether in perfect health without fakery or suspicion of any kind – then obviously it is not good... But if they think that if there is just something in the pocket, whatever it is – and this is what is meant by "health" – then fine. But this matter is difficult for me to know, and in the next response, I hope to know this.

Yankel Kranz writes to me: "I heard that you are thinking of coming here, which makes me very happy. My advice is that you should come here. But this does not depend on me, but on you, whether you feel that you can come here or not, but, on the other hand, I can write to you that here you could earn up to 100 rubles a month.”

I cannot rely much on all these responses. The key for me is the answer of Ch. [Chaikel] Weitz, which I anxiously await, but just to annoy me, I have not yet received it. Yesterday I wrote to Zehava another postcard in which I asked her to ask Ch. Weitz to answer my letter, and that she should also quickly reply to me with a clear answer so that I may know which way to turn. [print page 177]

If not to Lutsk – then there is no other option but to head to Stroskol [Stary Oskol] in the Kursk district, where our Netta now resides. Just yesterday I spoke with a Jew from Mlynov, Benzi the ragman,^[43] who was also there [in Stroskol] and told me that the circumstances there are very good. There are no “bony people” [i.e., people starving] there at all, and everyone is free without fear or dread... (and this is the main thing!). If I receive a negative answer regarding my journey to Lutsk – I plan to head there.

Which is the better way? It’s anyone’s guess. This mirror is unlike that mirror. There are advantages and disadvantages to each. Please let me clarify my words: The advantages of my journey to Lutsk are these: 1) I will find myself in the proximity of friends and good people with whom I will be able to find good lodging and a meal, and [find help] with washing clothing [lit. whites], repairs, etc., etc., – they will no doubt care for me, and in this there is great value, especially in the present high costs. 2) I will find myself near to my beloved Zehava, such that my youth will not need to wither away in vain without its moment, during [53] a time when I cannot gratify my needs, in any case, elsewhere… 3) The friendly people will worry, no doubt, for my material situation, and they will try to secure work for me or [offering] lessons at a decent wage. 4) I will not distance myself so far from our broken family, and I can hope that the former homeowner [I stayed with earlier]^[43a] will take me again under his roof... These advantages are the shortcomings of my traveling to Stroskol. And the disadvantages of my traveling to Lutsk are these: a) The constant terrible fear due to my abnormal state, in a place where it is possible to draw too much suspicion.^[43b] I said “disadvantages,” [in the plural], but in truth this is only one disadvantage, but its consideration is very important... And the advantages of my traveling to Stroskol are these: a) one can hope that there I will feel good regarding the "key issue"…^[44] b) And it is possible that also in my inner, spiritual state, changes for the better will follow as a result of my journey and my being in the big and far away world. Whatever, I yearn to travel to Lutsk more, but I doubt if this aspiration will materialize, since it assumes that the answer of Ch. [Chaikel] Weitz will be negative and not positive. And even if it will be partly negative and partly positive, in other words [he writes]: "Do as you wish, we cannot give you a clear response,” even then I don’t know if I want to endanger myself. Either way, it is difficult now to decide regarding these two paths of mine.

I also received a postcard from Beracha Burshtak^[44a] together with the postcards mentioned earlier, in answer to the postcard that it seems to me I mentioned in my previous entries. I might answer her now.

During the last few days, I have hardly worked at all with my creative abilities, despite [print page 178] the fact that I am creating a lot in my mind and imagination, but I wrote very little. Especially now a powerful inner war is raging inside me now, or it is more correct if I write, a strong demonic clash. With each passing day, with each and every moment, I am convinced that an hour has passed by from the years of my youth that will not return again, and that I didn’t know how to leverage it for my benefit, for the good of my life, and for the benefit of my body and soul... The days of youth are passing by, without my enjoying their goodness, without a ray of light, without the pleasure of life and delight, and who is to blame for this? – Myself. And my blame is doubly great: I know what the flaw is and I do not try to fix it. I am separated from everyone. I could have been in the company of young women and men passionately^[44b] and living the moment. I could have spent some time not in sorrow, but I am not able. [54] I long for this. I yearn for moments of pleasure, to laugh with youthful gaiety, to forget while in their company everything that can lead to grief and sorrow, to make love and forget the past and the future, and to live only life’s moments, only life’s moments that can give enjoyment to the heart, the soul and the body, and not at all consider the past and future whatsoever. I long for this, and this longing is not so far from realization. I could have achieved it in every hour and time that I wanted, I could have – but I couldn’t, I cannot by any means. If a single moment occurs in which I show a happy face (not, heaven forbid, genuinely joyful but only displaying a playful face) – then as though I feel a terrible remorse, immediately the image of my dear mother who passed away stands before me. I see her lying on the sickbed, in all the different situations and moments, and especially in her final days of life; I see the look of her eyes, mute but full of pleading, sorrow with no end or limits. I see the movements of her outstretched hands instead of language that was difficult for her to express. I see it all in horror [lit. my hair bristles], and I ask myself: you saw all this, you were with such a beloved mother in her death, and your soul desires pleasures and youth? Remember please all those terrible days, and know now these current terrible days – at a time when you no longer have that beloved and dear mother, and remember please what she was to you, how much she loved you and worried about you, and now you hasten to erase the feelings of mourning from your heart and want to indulge in pleasures and enjoyment?! Not a quarter of a year has not passed and you have already hasten to erase the impression of that terrible disaster from the tablet of your heart (see Proverbs 7:3 and 3:3) and the activities of your days. Thoughts like these arise in my mind – and they cause me terrible spiritual torments which are incomparable, and were I not able to drive them away – I would lose go crazy from the pain... and thus various inclinations clash within me: the sentiment of youth, the feeling of life demands its due, complains and protests unceasingly against my weakness, and another moral feeling, a sentiment of sorrow and mourning, a sentiment of life’s futility, the vanity of vanities pulls me in – and I am torn and broken and suffer from both of them...

Anyhow, one day follows another, and these days are the best days of youth and adolescence, and my soul withers without sun and light and moisture... and my heart is choked by sorrow and grief and a difficult spirit...

But in the end, I think this clash will not last for long, and with my journey [55] from here [print page 179] one of the forces will win in the end. Which? And how? — The coming days will tell. This situation provided me additional material for creativity. The material continues to grow and expand and I almost haven’t […] […] [found time?] to work it and produce complete and edited items.

From all the material that I am accumulating lately and from my imaginings and thoughts – I succeeded in being convinced to constrain my personality through a known method related to stability – routine and restriction – none of which is in my creative work or creative ability. [In those domains] I have no fixed goal or purpose, I have no established paths, I skim over the surface of it all. I breathe in many, many things but don’t have one path, and instead I wander among a multitude of different paths and roads, and I search. No single source is able to influence me, in other words: it can influence me, but immediately its influence is obliterated by another powerful influence and so on and so forth. I am influenced by every resource, every trace, every light, etc., like that bee that flies from flower to flower and gathers pollen for honey, so too I sip and draw out the moisture from everything, and everything that is around me, to satisfy my insatiable energy and to slake my great thirst, which is not quenched… At one moment, I can hover in the blue sky, and then immediately land and crawl in the darkness of the abyss… [I can] sing together with the freedom of spring and then play a song of anguish and sorrow. I don’t stroll and walk along a secure and known place, but instead wander and seek, seeking for solutions, seeking paths, seeking and seeking… when something doesn’t have the ability to satisfy me, I long for more, for more of these, and I seek and wander and I am entangled in the web of paths, wandering from road to road, from path to path, one time going up, one time going down, one time straight, one time crying, shouting and begging, roaring and singing, haughty then denigrating myself, yelling and crying. In short, there is no routine in my spirit, my spirit always wanders, storms and bubbles – this is the natural throughline of my character, upon which I rely in abundant precision, and that brings out expression through the ample material that I accumulated recently and that finds expression in my creative endeavors that come out of this material.

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Notes

[39b] [Translator’s comment:] See note 31 on Chaikel Weitz’s background. [HS] ↩

[40] The Kimmelmans, no details are known about the members of this family. In the continuation (p. 210 [March 21, 1917]) Beila Kimmelman is mentioned was someone who sent a postcard to Lamdan during the time he was staying in Pryluky. ↩

[40a] [Translator’s comment:] The reference to Yitzhak’s health may be a coded cryptic message about the risk of conscription if he was completely healthy. Young men avoided the draft by showing they were unfit. During the War, young men adopted various tactics to fake ill health or to maim themselves to avoid the military duty. The cryptic nature of the rest of this passage about Yitzhak’s health may reflect the fear of the censors who were opening and reading mail. See the memories of how Mlynov boys evaded conscription, by Aaron Harari, “The Military Recruits,” 169-172, in the Mlynov-Mervits Memorial Book, as well as Sanborn, Drafting the Russian Nation, 34-38. [HS] ↩

[40b] [Translator’s comment:] The meaning of this sentence is not clear. Perhaps she means that identity cards have been given out in Lutsk already and if he doesn’t have one, he won’t be able to obtain one. [HS] ↩

[41] Propusk, Yiddish: meaning entry and exit permit. ↩

[42] Miriam and Yankel Krantz, according to what is written here, were residents of Lutsk. In the continuation (p. 204) [March 13, 1917], Lamdan calls Yankel “a youth refugee,” and indicates that he is fond of him due to his simplicity and loyalty. ↩

[43] Bentzi (Ben-Tzion) the ragman a man of Mlynov, details about him are not known. [Translator’s comment:] It is conceivable that Bentzi the ragman refers to Yitzhak’s friend Ben-Tzion Gruber (also called Bentzi) who was remembered in a profile in the Mlynov Memorial book, “The Two of Them,” (p. 221) as a friend of Lamdan, and a poet and student of Bialik. In that profile, Bentzi is listed as a grain trader. Back in Mlynov, Yitzhak recounted a time they walked together on the road and were accosted by Christian workers (see Diary 1, July 29, 1914). [HS] ↩

[43a] [Translator’s comment:] In September 1915, Yitzhak stayed with an acquaintance of Chaikel Weitz in Lutsk who had relatives in Hubyn. See Diary 2, Oct. 7, 1915. [HS] ↩

[43b] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak’s specific meaning is not clear. His “abnormal state” may refer to the fact that he would have no work or that he was a single young man living in a city that was near the combat zone. He appears to also have been worried that he would conscripted, as implied below. At the end of 1916, Lutsk was behind the still under the control of the Russian Empire since the Brusilov Offensive, which had stalled by this point. The front was stabilized west of Lutsk, and the city was no longer under immediate threat, though it was still part of the operational war zone that supported the Eastern Front. In early 1917, the Russian Empire was failing and there were shortages, inflation, exhaustion from war, and growing revolutionary sentiment, all of which would have made the city feel psychologically if not physically unsafe to a nineteen-year-old young man. [HS] ↩

[44] “the main thing”, referring to the danger of conscription to the army. ↩

[44a] [Translator’s comment:] Beracha Burshtak was the sister of Yitzhak’s friend Shmuel. See entry on March 25, 1916. [HS] ↩

[44b] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew word here can mean making love but the context seems to demand general joyfulness. [HS] ↩

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[January 10, 1917] Wednesday, 17th [should be the 16th] of [the month of] Tevet [5677], Baranovka

I still haven’t received the response of Ch. [Chaikel] Weitz, despite my vigilant watching every single day. I regret this a lot. Yesterday, I sent a postcard, in addition to the two postcards I sent to them [Zahava and her sister?], one on Friday, and the second on Sunday of this week. In the last postcard, I request that if Chaikel Weitz doesn’t have free time to write or can’t write for some other reason – let him please express his opinion orally and she can record for me his advice. In the second postcard, I wrote her about the state of my health [56] and requested that this time she respond to me fully and transparently, so that I won’t have to keep wavering [print page 180] in uncertainty^[44c] – and can decide definitively about my travel. In any case, father has not returned from his trip yet and my general situation still remains unclear.

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Notes

[44c] [Translator’s comment:] Following the language of 1 Kings 18:21 in which Elijah speaks to the people: “How long will you hobble between two opinions.” [HS] ↩

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[January 16, 1917], Tuesday, 23rd [should be 22nd] of [month of] Tevet, 5777, Baranovka

I haven’t written anything for a week, even though I wanted to write and had something to write about especially in the latter days of the past week. But for various reasons I didn’t have dedicated time for writing. On Friday and on the Sabbath – a wicked mood descended on me, replacing the strong spirit and strong will to life that overcame me in the prior days and which found minor expression in several poems and fragmented writings. All day I went about alone and devastated, and in my heart – heavy and painful sadness. Many things caused my grief – ruminations about my love for Zahava and about Zahava herself and longings for her. I realized that here soon I would need to travel and the distance between us would expand still more. She would remain in the place that she is now, and we could await the external events that will separate us completely, meaning that we would not even be able to exchange letters and to know a little or a lot about one another. And while continuing to ruminate on this topic – my grief attacked me more and more, some great wellspring of love opened in the heart, and it proved to me how great my love of Zahava and how hard my situation will be if I am not able to write to her and know what’s going on with her – Who knows if this external separation will be at that point the final separation due to this awful dispersion that is probably likely to happen in these difficult days. In continuing to look at our love – I am convinced that I truly love her. All the young women that I encounter, my soul stalks with all its ardor, but I don’t feel yearning or love towards them, not even thin and delicate threads connect me to them. I can enjoy their beauty and in this way have a good time with them, but I cannot relate to them with a relationship of friendship, but only [sensually] as a young man to a young woman. That relationship of friendship, the relationship of deep love – I have [57] only for Zahavali, my beloved. This is why there was so much sadness thinking about my travel and about increasing my distance from her still more. And the fear due to the events that likely await – and the difficult consequences for our love that are tied to them – deepened my sadness more and more, and it was difficult, exceedingly difficult for me.

On Sunday this week, I received a postcard from my sweetheart, and she wrote among other things: “Yitzikil,^[45] it was written if you come – Wow.. if you came to us, how I would then want to kiss your fine face.” The sweetheart! How many nice dreams did she already produce in her imagination concerning my coming to them. She certainly goes about all day and dreams, daydreams, dreams in a dream. Yes, should she not dream? Her youth-filled soul, that warm hear aspiring [print page 181] for life and joy, beating from love and youth – should she not dream? In as much as external life until now has troubled her and her family lately – it has not succeeded in diminishing the ardor of her youth and the boiling of her adolescent blood, and the spiritual doubts and suffering – they in the end are not experienced – and how can she not dream, my beloved, how can she not weave many nice scenarios in her imagination, in which the essence is: her and me, without also paying attention to the deception of these illusions and hopes. How can she not dream, at a time that I too, the one who stares now at the face of the future without hopeful anticipation, but with a cold look, knowing that there is no use knowing that the future – does not mean forever, and that in vain we hope and aspire, because hopes and aspirations – they are only vain lights signaling from afar…; at a time that me too, at a time when many doubts nest in my heart and many spiritual hardships by this point are wearing me out, and storm after storm arises in my internal world – at such time that I was also thinking about my journey to Lutsk, the place where, my sweetheart, Zahavli is, in spite of all enumerated above, various fantasies, and uncomplicated dreams distractedly hovered before my eyes: I pictured myself entering their home, meeting my sweetheart during the nights… the quiet room, and the lit candelabra. And the two of us sitting and talking, I am recounting everything to her, and she is sitting beside me and looking at me with her black penetrating eyes… Then she says in her delicate voice, “my sweetheart” “Itzikil” and she pulls me tight to her heart and the sound of a warm kiss fills the space of the room.. And then I see her standing and her eyes sparkling with enjoyment and happiness to honor my arrival…

[58] She is happy… she sees me again in front of her, I am again close to her, and I sit on the side lost in thoughts and on my face – a cloud of grief. She approaches, bends over to me, how good she is. And in her soft caressing voice, she asks: what’s up with you, sweetheart? – – –

How is it possible to recount all the visions that materialized already in my mind? If it is so in my case – how can she not dream? But all these visions will fade and disappear in the situation that is coming: – My journey to Lutsk is already completely aborted, and with it all my nice hopeful visions and those of Zahava – and in their place different thoughts and strong longings will arrive that also prompt their own reasonable dreams.

Sunday night father returned here from his trip to Mlynov. He brought with him what was needed [for a decision]. I spoke with his about my intent to travel to Lutsk and he said that the journey was impossible due to the difficulty of obtaining a travel permit to there, and it was decided that I would travel to Kiev and from there at that point I would choose where to turn, based on the situation and the conditions then. This journey is going to materialize after the Sabbath, at a time when Hinda, the daughter of the father-in-law,^[46] will travel to Kiev and I will travel with her, since my entire life I never traveled by train [lit. “iron train”] and by myself it will be difficult to travel, especially now [during war time], when travel by train is so very abnormal.^[46a] [print page 182] Rumors are spreading that the next [military] “call-up” will be postponed.^[47] Who knows whether with respect to this [delay] I too will be among all those saved in this way. Had the rumors strengthened – I would originally have chosen only the path to Lutsk, but now that I am aware of the difficulty of obtaining a travel permit, I can’t bring my idea to fruition, and in any case, I will turn now in the meantime – to Kiev and from there to someplace still unknown. And when Father arrived and this decision was made – the feeling of grief descended on me and difficult subdued sadness troubled me – that my journey to Lutsk was aborted and I would have to travel far to an unfamiliar city, among unfamiliar people, and who knows in what manner?... I know clearly that if, for example, [59] I decided initially to travel to Lusk, then too a private grief would have troubled me, [and] I would have discovered opposing thoughts that showed me all the down sides of this journey, and all the positive sides for a journey to other places. Now that I am going elsewhere, thoughts like these appear and show me all the positive sides of the path to Lutsk, and all the down sides of my journey to Kiev and beyond. This is how it always is: the feeling heart doesn’t find satisfaction and rest with “there,” and it appears to it [the heart] that if it were otherwise, it would be better, and when it arrives at “the other,” it seems to it that the first option was good, and in [choosing] the other it errs, and thus it vacillates between different options without rest. I know that if I had traveled to Lutsk there were positive aspects that I suppose now in my imagination – they would have evaporated immediately!! Instead, there would have been heavy regret that I didn’t travel to other places and the imagination would have presented to me all the good and pleasing aspects of these places. Now when I travel to a different place – I will not stop regretting that I didn’t have the opportunity to travel to Lutsk and the imagination won’t stop presenting to me all the positive sides of this, enhancing them, embellishing them, and elaborating on them… such is the nature of the thing. The situation of feeling people is difficult, and their hearts vacillate always between different magnets. What I very much want now is to receive a completely negative response from Chaikel Weitz. Originally, when I waited so anxiously for this answer, I was praying that he would respond positively to my letter. Now that my travel there is impossible at this point – I want it to be negative, which perhaps will ease a bit “the hardships” mentioned above, [and the] vacillations, and feelings of sadness and regret…

I am thinking about writing a postcard today to Zahava in which I inform her about my journey and also I’ll write her [telling her] not to continue writing here anymore so that her postcards won’t fall into the hands of others.

Writing the following words is really difficult for me like the splitting of the Red Sea, in thinking and writing these things, it as if I myself puncture the heart with white-hot iron thrusts, but why should I evade this pain? Why should I dodge these thrusts? I am forbidden to dodge! [60] [print page 183] I sense and know that the great and mighty shutting down of my heart over the passing of our beloved mother still has not ended; that bitter and strong anguish which is appropriate after a terrible tragedy like this still has not yet burst forth; I still have not yet expressed all the sadness that fills my heart, the depth of grief of this tragedy. I am so wretched, I feel that I am a sinner in that I still can’t express all this. How difficult and terrible are these moments.

During these moments [I was writing], I received a postcard from Riba^[48] [my sister in Kiev], and in it she writes that Avraham Feldman^[49] was with her and spoke to her about me and said I should come to him and I could get along well. Thus it is incumbent upon me first to travel to Kiev and from there I will travel with A. [Avraham] Feldman to the district we wish.^[50]

By this point, I wrote a postcard to Zahava and informed her about my journey etc.

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Notes

[45] A pet name of Lamdan [a variation on] Itzi or Yitzi which his relatives used. Here with a small extension to the pet name, “Yitzikil.” ↩

[46] Father-in-law (Kantor) of [Yitzhak’s sister] Henya, the eldest daughter, in whose home the Landam family are staying as guests. ↩

[46a] [Translator’s comment:] Due to the war, a travel permit or authorization was necessary to travel into or between certain areas, especially closer to the front. The movement of military troops on trains made civilian travel by rail much more difficult at this time as well. [HS] ↩

[47] Mobilization to the military. From this point and following, Lamdan is in constant flight due to the mobilization to the Russian military, and after the Revolution, from the different armies that rule in the station stops of his journey. ↩

[48] Riba [Rivka] sister of Lamdan (1889-1942). At the time these lines were written she lived in Kiev. [Translator’s comment: She was married to Motl Litvak and they already had a daughter, Penina. [HS] ↩

[49] Avraham and Malka Feldman, friends of the Lamdan family. Later, they housed Yitzhak Lamdan in their home in Pryluky during a period of two months. ↩

[50] In other words, to the home of Avraham and Malka Feldman in the city of Pryluky. ↩

***

[January 30, 1917] Tuesday, [7th^[51] of the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky^[52]

I arrived here last Thursday (in the morning) and I didn’t write anything in the diary lacking any dedicated time for this. On Monday last week, at 1 pm [lit. the first hour], I left Baranovka and I arrived in Kiev on Tuesday in the morning. The route, though a bit congested with vehicles, was not so bad. I was in Kiev for two days, and on Tuesday and Wednesday, I met there with Mr. Feldman, and I spoke with him about the journey here [to Pryluky]. I quickly understood that it wasn’t so simple for him to bring me here to get settled, as [my sister] Riba wrote me in a postcard. Anyhow I organized all the details with the sisters, Riba and Malcah, related to the exchange between me and Moshe.^[52a] On Wednesday night, I left here [Kiev] and on Thursday in the morning I arrived in Pryluky to the home of [?] Malka Feldman.^[53] In the morning, I hurried to the House of Worship [?] [61] to the morning prayer [Shacharit] to say Kaddish [the mourner’s prayer]. Immediately [print page 184] upon arriving, a feeling of sadness and loneliness attacked me. The vibe of the place instantly brought me down. Is it true the local men are unkind, unfriendly and uninterested in any stranger, as it appears to me? Is it true that they are coarse in character and have a crude temperament which is way too profane, which all their movements, relationships, and appearances betray, as it seems to me? Immediately when I arrived here, they told me that there is here a great library [biblioteka] and an expansive circle of Zionist Hebrew youths and various associations with their [focus on] certification: preparation [for] the Land of Israel. But all this by now has lost meaning in my eyes (truth be told) and does not surprise me or stir up my enthusiasm as in days past. Upheavals after upheaval takes place inside me; for that spirit of mine that aspires for open spaces with no end, to the outer reaches of the heavens – the group focused on the national idea etc. is too narrow and it, and those [groups] like it, do not have enough to satisfy its great demands. At night I walked with Meir^[53a] to the library where there is also a reading room. The library is not small, and it is possible to find there many important books from the Hebrew, Jewish, and Russian literatures. They receive there [in the library] all the Russian, and Russian-Jewish newspapers and the new Hebrew weekly, “HaAm” [The People].^[54] Well, this is not completely bad! You go there at night for several hours. You read about current events in the newspapers or [you can read] books. You can sit a bit off to the side and ponder your thoughts; [you can ] watch the different types [of people] visiting the library in large numbers… Apparently many, many young [male] Zionists come here and also young females of the same stripe [i.e., Zionists], but it is all the same to me! I know that all of them possess a narrow nationalist outlook, with limited ideas, [62] inconsequential souls and I – these are not the kind of friends I am seeking. I want to find myself a friend my own age whose spirit aspires to the invisible heights, and sinks into the depths of life’s secrets in all their different dimensions; a friend whose soul is aroused and feels too much, who discerns the very fine and deep resonances in poetry, who hears the most inner turbulence of the poetic soul, [one who] investigates, [I am looking] for a friend who is always lost and seeking, lost among various paths and various trails and who seeks satisfaction for his thirst, who seeks and seeks incessantly, a friend with a large heart and a deep endless spirit. I want to befriend friends like these, friends with whom I can share the entirety of what fills me, to improve and strengthen the awareness^[54a] of creativity’s wellspring. But young people like these that I find here – is there really no hope? Surely I must admit that apart from my spiritual creds, it is necessary sometimes to lean to the side, meaning to hang out with people that are not my age, but who are emotional people, good people, trustworthy and devoted friends, etc. but based on my first scan I’m afraid that also based on this [set of criteria] [print page 185] I will not be able to connect up with these young people. They are apparently quite arrogant and such unfeeling souls, and think of themselves as greatest of great scholars – whereas they are likely to think of me, who is always silent and carries my great ideas inside, only as an idiot or as a clod (golem) and a simpleton who knows nothing. And if this is so – my personal honor will not allow me to humiliate myself and connect up with them in this manner.

While I was in Kiev, Avraham Feldman handed me a letter [63] to deliver to a person by the name of Dubin,^[55] who would help me settle in here [in Pryluky]. While I was in the library on Thursday night, Meir gave him the letter. He met with me right away and spoke with me about this and offered assurance that he would try to explore all possibilities for me. Since then, I’ve met with him several times, but it is now almost a week since I arrived here, and I still have no work and would be satisfied if I could find teaching lessons for myself for what counts as an approximate good wage these days. This Dubin fellow, even though I have not formed a judgment about his spiritual character yet, still he seems like a good guy who is straightforward, good and devoted. I also spent time with one local teacher by the name of Galad,^[56] but he made a negative impression on me; I don’t want men like these to be involved in my affairs, not now, not ever. There is another military doctor here, one Feigelson, head of one of the “Israelis” groups, the goal of which is preparation for the Land of Israel^[57] – I can go visit him only on the Sabbath, and he also can help me with my situation. I already met with other young people here, but apart from the meeting, I haven’t had any conversation with them.

So much. Since I arrived here, my mood has been heavy, with the feeling of anguish and sadness; I can’t find rest at all. Not even a single night passed without terrifying nightmares.^[58] And yes, I know this. And did I not write this in my previous diary entry? Did I not write there that it would be the same regardless of where I traveled and which direction I turned – I would not find rest, and in being there, I would long for here, [print page 186] and in being – here – I would long for there. There is no rest for people with great and deep thoughts who search for all the sources of life. Yes, I know this, and so it is. Then immediately upon [64] my arrival here, I lost myself amidst all the anguish and grief. All the while [?] I went about here and there gripped by sorrowful thoughts, and during all the days, I felt broken and tired. Then yesterday in the morning when I woke up, I immediately felt that it was difficult to get out of bed, and I felt fatigue in all my limbs and a mysterious pain. Nonetheless, I pulled myself together and stumbled to the House of Prayer. When the prayer service was over, I hurried home, drank tea, and sat by the stove, but even sitting was hard for me and I lay down on the softa, sleeping a little at first, but afterwards I was no longer able to sleep. I got a splitting headache, all my limbs ached, and I had no idea which world I was in, nor where I was, etc., with pain like this I lay down all day. After this, when they measured my temperature, it was close to 40 [degrees Celsius/104 Fahrenheit]. They offered me a bed. I got undressed and lay down, and in the morning, thank God, it was better and the fever was almost completely gone, and by that point I walked about the house. I am certain this illness came from my inner emotional weakness that attacked me recently, from the great anguish and sorrow. I got a double dose of sorrow due to the consequence of my illness, [namely] I was not able yesterday evening or this morning to go to the House of Worship to say [mourner’s] Kaddish. This circumstance depressed me greatly. This prayer, Kaddish, is the most holy and sublime in memorializing the precious and beloved mother, whose image doesn’t leave my eyes even for a second. And now almost a quarter of a year has passed since her passing and my emotional state still does accept that truly this is so, that indeed [65] the precious and beloved mother, who was devoted and faithful, is dead. And how pained was my spirit before I traveled from Baranovka, how great and terrible was my sorrow, and yes, I knew its source. Sitting thus, sunk in sorrow and anguish, my hand hovered over the paper and I wrote a rhyming poem in jargon [Yiddish] that expressed my sorrow and its source, the death of the mother, the difficulty of our present situation, etc., etc. It is possible I might write more about this poem.^[59]

[...]^[60]

One of the most important and very valuable results from the difficult emotional state of recent days is: the cooling of my adolescent blood, which demanded satisfaction the last time in Baranovka. I have written about this matter several times in my entries in Baranovka. But everything changed from the day of my arrival here with the heavy mood that descended on me. Meanwhile, the desire of youth doesn’t pull my heart strongly as it did in the beginning and my heart doesn’t pull [print page 187] me at all to the company of young women… By contrast, my love and longing for Zahava continues to grow like a thread of sunlight in a cloud of darkness – my longings are pulled and stretch to her, even though gender [or sexual] relationships in general disgust me in recent days and especially with its different results. But different is my love for Zahava which takes a more refined form, purer, and thus she survives even in my latest difficult state of mind. I haven’t written anything yet to Zahava. I wrote her only from Kiev. I wanted to write to her, but before I understood my situation, I didn’t know what to write her from here. I wrote only to [my sister] Heni in Baranovka.

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Notes

[51] The date in the month of Shevat is missing here, and Lamdan left an empty space for it. The date was restored appropriately in the following entry (20th of Shevat) which was written after a break of two weeks. ↩

[52] Pryluky [also sometimes spelled Priluki], a city in Ukraine in the district (oblast) of Chernihiv, located about 150 km [93 m] east of Kiev on the banks of the Udai River [also spelled Uday], a tributary of the Dnieper. ↩

[52a] Yitzhak’s meaning here is not clear, though his exchange with his older brother Moshe may have involved swapping identity papers for protection against conscription. ↩

[53] As indicated, Malka Feldman and her husband Avraham, mentioned above [in this entry], were friends of the Lamdan family. ↩

[53a] [Translator’s comment:] The identity of this Meir is not certain. [HS] ↩

[54] HaAm [translated as “The People” or “The Nation”], a Hebrew-Zionist newspaper, edited by Ben-Zion Katz, Moshe Gluecksohn [also Glickson], Moshe Kleinman and others. It began publication as a journalistic and literary weekly at the end of 1916, and in 1917 it became a daily with a weekly literary supplement. In this period, it was the only Hebrew newspaper in all of the Russian interior due to the expansion of censorship. See Yehuda Slutsky, “The Jewish Newspapers in Russia in the Years 1914-1938,” in Yehuda Gothelf (editor), The Jewish Press That Was [in Hebrew], Tel Aviv: the World Federation of Jewish Journalists, 5733 [1973], p. 345. ↩

[54a] [Translator’s comment:] I am assuming Yitzhak was thinking of the Hebrew word “hkrh” (pronounced hacarah) meaning awareness and misspelled it as hqrh (pronounced the same way). [HS] ↩

[55] No details are known about him. ↩

[56] No details are known about him. ↩

[57] Dr. Mordechai Feigelson (born in Vilna in 1883). He served during the war as doctor in a military hospital in Pryluky. Feigelson organized the local Zionist youth into a preparatory (hachshara) group with the name “Land of Israel (as above, page 89, and not “Israelis,” as in Lamdan’s version). Members of the group, and at their head Yehuda Leibtov and Avraham Leiktrov Ben-Neriah joined the HeHalutz agricultural training farm near Odessa, founded by agronomist Avraham Zussman, and afterwards, in 1920, they joined the group “For Volunteers Among the People” from Kamianets-Podilskyi and established Kiryat Anavim, the first kibbutz in the area of Judean hills, on the edge of Jerusalem. Later, in 1920, they joined a group of volunteers for Menahem Ussishkin's "Polesye Campaign" and established Kiryat Anavim, the first kibbutz in that region, near Jerusalem. See David Tadhr, Encyclopedia of the Yishuv Pioneers and Its Builders [Heb.] Tel Aviv, Literature of the First Pioneers, 1949, Vol. 3, p. 1427. ↩

[58] Hebrew: qôšəmār, from French (cauchemar): meaning nightmare. ↩

[59] No details are known about this poem that was written in “jargon” (Yiddish). It is possible it refers to the poem, “Silence, Silence,” the only one remaining from Lamdan’s writing in Yiddish and preserved in handwriting by an immigrant from Berestechko, Benjamin Walter. It was published in [the Yizkor book for Boremel and Berestechko] There Once Was a Town… ibid, page 441. ↩

[60] The first line in this paragraph is blurry and can’t be deciphered. ↩

***

February 1917

[February 11, 1917] Sunday, 20th [should be 19th of the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky

I wrote the previous diary entry more than two weeks ago. Immediately that same day that I came down sick which I wrote about. I’ve just got up from my sick bed the day before yesterday. Influenza^[61] hit me hard. I felt very low. My temperature didn’t go down even for a moment and to make matters worse, the conditions of the house exacerbated my illness still more: I lay in a moist room which significantly worsened the impact of the general illness. When they saw that my illness was worsening, they called the doctor who prescribed various medicines for me for my bad cough, etc., but none of this worked. They hurried to the doctor again and he instructed that “they should give me [Yiddish:] bankes (cupping glasses)”^[62] They called the felsher [Yiddish for medic]^[63] and all day Thursday [in Yiddish:] he gave me cupping therapy (bankes).^[64] After this, I improved and on Friday afternoon, I got out of bed and now, thank God, I feel better. I summarized the stages of this illness, but the bodily and emotional suffering was very tough. The second time when they went to the doctor and told him about my situation, he said that I was sick with “aspalini lorek” [pneumonia].^[65] This matter depressed me a lot and oppressive worrying thoughts disturbed me, by this point terrible thoughts spread their dark cloud^[66] over me… I suffered a lot… I felt so alone and abandoned, far from any relative and faithful friend. My God! My God! How difficult are my tributions! And now, hey, thank God, so long as I am no longer sick! [print page 188] I haven’t gone outside yet. [Will do so] only when I am completely healthy. [67] So far I am not able to go out and about among people: At this point they posted news about the [mobilization] “call-up,”^[67] but what should I do? I received no information yet from Kiev. I don’t know if everything is ready there, or who knows perhaps they didn’t begin the activity at all… I sent today an open letter [i.e., postcard] to Kiev and urged them to hurry up with the activity. Yes, I am now like a “prisoner.” But who knows how things will go down? Anyway, I sit here with zero to do or anything of interest. Yikes, Master of the Universe, what demon brought me here? These days now precede the Passover festival and, of course, during this time, it is difficult to secure lessons [teaching Hebrew]. In general, teaching is so hard for me. You need to transform your internal and spiritual nature and enter into a world that is not your own, in order to rehearse banal and empty ideas that have been diluted already from overuse, and to speak about matters deep in your heart that you don’t acknowledge at all and you even resist. In general, I am not a pedagogue and don’t even have a small spark of pedagogic talent for teaching! What then shall I do? The days of my youth passed in fantasy and delirium for completely other worlds^[67a] and I didn’t want, for example, to become engrossed in and profiting from the keeping books [i.e., make a living as a teacher] etc. etc. But now I have no other venue apart from teaching. I don’t regret that my youth passed in pure and innocent fantasies from raw material; no, even now at a time when my opinions turned upside down, [when] it is possible my outlook on life is completely different, even now when my spirit is so heavy, even now – I don’t regret that I didn’t chose for my path the general route of all people, no! Even now it is better for me inside [?] and for my sake [68] […]^[68]

Generally speaking, I don’t feel good here in this town despite its youth, etc. I’ll be satisfied at this point if I am able to establish myself here. It is very possible that in this manner I will leave the city and travel to Kiev (certainly if my “known”^[69] situation will be as amended [thus protecting me from conscription]). Or I will try to obtain some good terms.^[70] An agreement [for teaching] – is more fitting for me at this point. I now long for quiet living in some village or town, without difficult economic worries. Having a teaching agreement is easier for me than giving private lessons. With an agreement, I am able to devote myself more to my creative work. Here there is almost no hope that my creative juices will flow. Now I am convinced how much this place causes [difficulties]. Look, for example, at Baranovka – a fertile soil for my creative juices and how much my thinking and creativity increased there. Here, it is as if everything ceased, and not gratuitously do I express hate for this place.

Last night I wrote a postcard [lit. open letter] to Moshe and Zahava. Today I wrote to Kiev and to Moshe Ganis^[70a] in Baranovka. I already desire so much to receive something from Zahava. Yes, it seems to me like forever since I read her beloved letters.

...^[71]

I am in a bleak spiritual state all the time. In general, the situation is desolate, strictly winter all around [69] producing an awful cold, the darkness of winter is hard and painful, how much this negatively impacts my soul, which is depressed anyway. But look today its impact changed. The cold reduced. The warm sun shines a lot, and the heart lightens a little, oh brother, the sun, the sun how strong is its strength and might! The heart lightens a little, but will this easing continue? – – –

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Notes

[61] The Hebrew letters spell influenza. Hebrew today uses the term šappaʿat. ↩

[62] The word used here is Yiddish meaning cupping glasses. [Translator’s comment: Cupping therapy was a folk remedy involving little glass cups that are heated and applied to the skin, forming a vacuum that healers believe mobilizes the flow of blood and energy. [HS] ↩

[63] The Yiddish word “feldsher” means medic, another name for paramedics in the Russian military, especially Jews who were content with this role due to medical training forced on them. Under urgent circumstances, they served as nurses, pharmacists and even barbers. See Edward Kossoy and Abraham Ohyr, The Feldshers: Medical, Sociological and Historical Aspects of Practioners of Medicine with Below University Level Education. Jerusalem: Magnes Press, 1992. ↩

[64] Yiddish: He gave me cupping therapy. ↩

[65] It is possible that “aspalini” is a mistake for “aspaniuli” (Spanish). Nevertheless, this is not referring to the epidemic known as the Spanish flu. The first wave of this epidemic broke out in the spring of 1918. [Translator’s comment]: an alternative possibility suggested by ChatGPT from the Russian: a Hebraic translation of the Russian for “inflammation of the lungs” (vospalénie lyógkikh). [HS] ↩

[66] The word ḥšrm, meaning haze or fog, gloom. [Translator’s comment:] Perhaps using the word as in 2 Samuel 22:12 where it appears to mean something similar. [HS] ↩

[67] “The call-up” meaning the mobilization order that applies also to the Jews.[Translator’s comment:] Online sources indicate a major mobilization was planned in early March (on the Gregorian calendar) which would accelerate the call up of men who were born in 1898 (the cohort of 1919). Yitzhak was born in 1897 and should have been called up in May 1916 with the cohort of 1918. He had managed to avoid mobilization thus far and as evident here worried he would be swept up when the new mobilization was announced. See Sir Alfred Knox, With the Russian Army, 1914–1917: Being Chiefly Extracts from the Diary of a Military Attaché, vol. 2 (London: Hutchinson, 1921), 512. Knox in his summary of early 1917 notes that “on February 16th, 1917 [March 1 in Gregorian calendar], the class (cohort) of 1919 was called up,” numbering approximately 600,000 men.[HS] ↩

[67a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak may be alluding here to his dream of going to the Land of Israel. [HS] ↩

[68] The first line of the new page [here in Yitzhak’s diary] is blurry and can’t be deciphered. ↩

[69] His official status, “known” as one who is not eligible for conscription. ↩

[70] [The critical edition explains that the Hebrew term] qônədîṣəyâ is a Latin cognate meaning “conditions, contract. Carrying out specialized instruction with set terms of employment at the outset for a fixed term of annual teaching. ↩

[70a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak describes Moshe Ganis as a new acquaintaince in his entry from Dec. 28, 1916. [HS] ↩

[71] A blurry indecipherable line [here]. ↩ February121917

***

[February 12, 1917] Monday, 21st [should be 20th] [of the month of] Shevat [5677], Pryluky

I am in a very foul state of mind. To be sure, the sun is shining, glowing, easing the depressive sorrow but still this is so difficult for me, impossible to turn a blind eye at the difficult reality. I am like a total prisoner now. By this point, I feel completely healthy [from my illness], [though] a worm of pain sucks there inside me without stopping and causes me terrible sorrow that I can’t go to the House of Worship to say [the mourner’s] Kaddish. It seems to me that I am lacking something, as if I can’t fulfill a holy obligation, holy and too value-laden. Not “as if” [I’m lacking something]. The “as if” has to be erased completely. Already I went outside and headed to pray and lo and behold a new sorrow: “the [mobilization] call-up”^[72] was at that point announced. What to do? Now if only I also found some work already, in other words: lessons etc. – I worry about being out and about; everyone asked my name, and many know it already. And afterwards [when I swap identities] I will be called by another name – and there is danger in this – and I find myself in dire straits^[72a] and how can I extricate myself from it. There is no counsel or outlet.

__________

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Notes

[72] The mobilization order. ↩

[72a] [Translator's comment:] The Hebrew expression “Bein Ha-Metzarim” (“dire straits”) may also be an allusion by Yitzhak to the name of the three-week period of mourning, called by that same expression, which commemorates the destruction of the first and second Temples in Jerusalem. [HS] ↩

***

[70]

[February 15, 1917] Thursday, 24th [Should be 23rd] of [the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky

I am still stuck in very difficult “dire straits” [bein mitzarim^[72b]]. Meanwhile I also have no hope of being extricated from it. At first I hoped that I would by now have received “my clothing” [new identity]^[73] and every day I waited for this with bated breath, and then finally a postcard was received yesterday [from my sister] Riba and she wrote that M. [Moshe] wrote that he expected any day to receive a package from Mlynov and when he receives it he will immediately send me “my clothes.” This information depressed me completely at this point – he [print page 190] hasn’t yet received the package and who knows when he will receive it. Now what should I do? Should I stay here in the house, idle in Pryluky, with zero activity? How difficult is this situation! Additionally, and this is key, great fear attacks me due to my present situation. Zahava writes me that she sits all day at home in the house. But am I able to do this? In as much as [staying inside for safety would involve] not going out every morning and evening to the synagogue to say [mourner’s] Kaddish – I can’t, and I don’t want to do so in any case. And thus, I am going [out to the house of worship to say prayers] and it is almost possible to say [I] go and endanger myself! The soul of my beloved and holy mother! Protect your depressed and tormented orphan, protect and guard him from all misfortune and foe! What does the heart secretly cry, how much does it secretly spill in silent prayer, the prayer of a far-flung and tortured [son] in distress.

If I already had the “clothing,” I would already have been able to get settled here and already obtained decent [teaching] lessons here. [71] But now, of course, there is nothing to say even about this. What will happen? – Actually, I don’t know. Yesterday, Kotzki^[74] came here from Belgorod.^[75] Who knows, perhaps that I will still decide to travel with him from there [to there?] – if I see that here there is no hope of getting settled due to my situation, since there I will be able to be more relaxed in “the understood meaning” [i.e. with respect to the threat of conscription].

During the time I stayed here, I didn’t write even a single line apart from my diary entries and not for nothing do I hate this city. By this point I am convinced: in a place where my creative strength develops and grows, where I work and write – such a place I love or more correctly I don’t relate to it with pent up internal hate and revulsion and regarding the opposite – the place in which the creative impulse freezes up, and is immobile and I don’t write anything – that place feels like a burden to me and I relate to it as if with concealed hate. That’s how the matter appears to me. In any case, it is necessary to look more carefully at this [aspect of my] character.

There are times that the sun shines with as much force as possible by a winter sun. Now when the sun shines, the sunlight already feels like the warm spring sun and the heart flutters from a warm and internal shaking. What special power the sun has, amazing and hidden power that influences the heart with a strong and great effect, and if it happens one is depressed and broken to whatever amount, and if [the sky] [72] is covered in a a mountain of darkness to whatever amount – as soon as it scatters its light and its warmth, one stirs and begins to feel and hope … I write, and the sun spills its light on the pages of my diary; the situation I find myself in now – it [the sunlight] excuses me from saying more about this. It is understood and exceedingly obvious, and the most difficult words, the product of difficult and bitter anguish, come out and escape from [print page 191] the pen dipped in ink and also in blood of the heart – but at that moment that the shining sun warms, it is difficult for you, despite it being necessary for you to write these bitter words, the sun doesn’t permit… it shines…

Shine, shine, oh sun, you give permission to hope, but I am not yet able to hope much. I already stopped believing in the future, and in any case it is impossible to hope much, if there is no future, but give me a moment of the pure present! Shine on and warm my depressed heart in the present, in this moment, at this hour – because the situation is hard! The situation is terrible, terrible. Shine – in as much as when you set, everything will return to the way it was before, the same anguish, the same grief, the same challenging and troubling sorrow that doesn’t stop.

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Notes

[72b] [Translator’s comment:] See note 72a. [HS] ↩

[73] “The clothing,” code for a document which lists the date of his birth later than what was written in Mlynov, in order to be exempt from conscription. Lamdan hid the content of the letter and the diary dues to censorship. [Translator’s comment:] The new papers will have not only a different birth date, but a different name on them as well as is evident from the preceding diary entry where Yitzhak worries that a lot of people in Pryluky already know his name. So how can he change his name when the new papers arrive? [HS] ↩

[74] David Kotzki, from these words, it is evident that Lmanda was friendly with him even before they came to Pryluky. Kotzki was mentioned additional times in this diary, including the mention of an exchange of letters with him, after Lamdan left the city (p. 109, 112). ↩

[75] Belgorod, capital of the Belgorod district on the bank of the Siverskyi Donets River, about 700 km (435 m) south of Moscow and about 40 km (25 m) from the border with Ukraine. ↩

***

[February 21, 1917] Wednesday, 29th of [the month of] Shevat, Pryluky, 5677

I sit down to write but it is hard to write. The confusion increases in my mind. My mood weighs on me very much, and I don’t know where to start, what to write first, and in general it is difficult to express my challenging mood [73] with all its twisting and turning, bending and changing every moment, and every hour. My state of mind changes form a hundred times a day. A difficult and depressing mood landed last night, and I can’t stop thinking about my present situation and what the future holds, which is, all in all, disheartening. What will be the end? What is the goal of my remaining here in Pryluky in the house of Malka [Feldman]...^[76] How unpleasant and hard to be a burden to others (even if they are relatives and friends) at a time of emergency like this. Here I have no work yet, and there is no money to pay for this time that I stay here and eat. How much remorse this matter causes me. The key issue, how long will this difficult situation continue? How long will I be forced to stay at home, and not be able to accept teaching lessons, etc. The good Lord knows for how long I will find myself in these difficult straits (“bein mitzarim”). On Monday this week I sent a detailed letter to sisters Riba and Malcah in Kiev, but how can they help me? Does the matter rest in their hands? Last week I received a postcard from Moshe in which he writes that he waits with bated breath for the package soon to be received from Mlynov, and that as soon as he receives it, he will hurry to send me my clothing. I answered him immediately. From Baranovka, I haven’t received anything – which is amazing to me. Thus one days passes after another – and in addition to the difficult situation mentioned above [74] there is my bleak mood. Where is the good mood, the will to live and work that filled me in Baranovka, and under the influence of which were created the last poems, filled with vast eruptions, elevated aspirations, and the will to live and work. Where is this spirit now? Whereas here only a spirit of anguish and grief fills me totally inside. Terrible dissatisfaction rules me inside, and with a gaze filled with distrust and depleted of all vigor and hope, I look on life all around. In my eyes, everything pales and lacks interest, and there is nothing that piques [print page 192] my interest much. There are times that strong loathing for everything fills me up, strong hate for everything. For everything – and perhaps also for my strange and isolated self. I am motionless and silent. What can I say? To whom? In silence I pass among everyone going and coming – without sorrow and worry, denying^[76a] everything and also with hidden longings for faith and the refreshing and mighty will for the works of living. Woe, my God! My God! How isolated am I. How strange I am in everyone’s eyes! Where should I turn? Who will receive me? Who will understand my spirit? There is no path, no corner for the strange loners, for the far-flung souls that feel the full pain of life’s riddles and mysteries. The loners, the ones in pain! We suffer for the sake of all the living, the innocent, the happy and who enjoy life – but for us there isn’t even [74] one quiet corner to rest, and we respond to every place with hate, by distancing ourselves with revulsion. Solitary ones! Unfortunate ones! What is my goal in life? What is the reward that I will receive from life as one living man? Can I spend all my days isolated, with no satisfaction of desire in anything, and far away from everything? You fool! What do you expect to receive from life? Day and night you paddle in their depths and you see their ugliness, their fakery, their emptiness and the great nothing that fills their spaces – what do you expect from them, and what do you want to receive from them? – – –

I find myself bouncing from idea to idea, from a situation like this to a situation like that, and it is very hard on me. It is difficult from all the sides, from outside and from inside. Grief spreads over me its great wings. Will such a situation continue? Like this? Who knows? Is it possible for me, the one lost and thrown about by a concealed spirit, to hope for all the types of various changing surprises each and every day – – – –

__________

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Notes

[76] Malka Feldman, a friend of the family (not his sister). ↩

[76a] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew term here (kəpîrâ) can carry a resonance of religious denial or heresy and a resonance of that meaning may be hinted at here in Yitzhak’s language. [HS] ↩

***

[February 23, 1917] Friday (“Sabbath Eve”), 2nd day [of celebration of] New Month of Adar, [1st of Adar], 5677, Pryluky

The day before yesterday at night, I received a postcard from [my sisters] Riba and Malcah in Kiev. This postcard saddened and depressed me a lot: Malcah writes that she received a postcard from Father and “the heart flowed blood to read his words”. He complains that he hasn’t received any letters from our good people etc. – a terrible pain gripped my depressed heart upon reading these words, before me a picture of our family’s current wretched and depressed situation stands out in all its terror, the shattered and broken father – yikes, Lord of the Universe, what have you done to us?! [76] Malcah writes that I should hurry up and write father if I still haven’t written until now. How I wanted to write, I wanted to write with all my ability to relieve this depressed father’s spirit (if only it is possible to comfort…) with words – but there’s a problem, I don’t know the address of them in Zviahel^[77] and what great sadness and grief this situation causes me. How depressed I was that same night that I received the postcard. “That same night” – I write, as if my mood is much better at another time. Are there moments in which my spirit can shake off the awful anguish and grief? How is it possible to shake them off? If before [print page 193] my eyes is a constant picture of the destruction and ruin of our family, if I constantly see and feel our present situation in all details and from all its painful angles – is it possible for me in this situation to shake off the anguish and grief that attack me? If the sun sometimes shines nice warm sunlight, and if also my hidden heartstrings awaken and begin to moan with a little bit of consolation. But is there special value in this? The cruel reality is too difficult, our present lives are tortured too much – so as to believe and ascribe value to the momentary flashes, to the futile flashes of hope that are tired and weak.

To the extent that I have already been convinced by the falsehood of the past, and the distortion it contains, [77] by recognizing that all of the past was at first merely the difficult present and not satisfying to the soul. Yes, that present time, that we complain about so much, when it becomes the past, we see positive aspects in it, beams of radiance, and we long for it with all our might – Despite my knowing this – I don’t have the strength in any case to change the nature that the outcome imprinted on us, and there are moments that memories of the past invoke warm and nice fluttering in me, a fluttering of holiness in the heart and, via the mysteries of the heart, open up the bursting wellspring, and pounding waves of strong and tremendous longings for days past and their events. I found myself in such a situation yesterday morning. Truly, this situation, one can say, continues to engage me now and [began] even before yesterday, with total force and surprise, with all its imaginative and moral strength, and became evident to me only yesterday morning during a distracted state of mind. In the morning when I was in the house of worship, I saw one young man who resembled in almost all his facial features and movements, etc., [my friend] Shmuel Burshtak.^[78] I have seen this young man already once, and immediately upon seeing him, hidden longings for every Hebrew [person] in Hubyn stirred in my heart and I was reminded of Shmuel, the precious and beloved friend. But yesterday this [recognition] occurred with greater force. This young man prayed with me in one [prayer] quorum, and I had the opportunity to observe him, and simultaneously to detect a pattern in my longings. I recognized a characteristic in it from the days of my own adolescence, [namely] if I was far from people that I was fond of and admired, especially [those I was] fond of [78] and I happened to meet another man who had similar facial features and movements etc. as the one dear to my heart – it seemed to me that also this man was also close to me, and I began to be fond of him also. I took note of this inclination many times especially when I encountered a situation like this [one] (which happened to me already many times). Here too it is similar: Immediately upon seeing that young man who looked like Shmuel Burshtak – it was like a thousand hidden strings, threads of friendship and love from my heart pulled towards him, and in no way was I able to tear my gaze from him, and it seemed to me: Look this is Shmuel, or part of Shmuel, look these are his eyes, his movements, and why am I standing at a distance? Why don’t I [approach] him to talk, to converse, in as much as he is a [print page 194] kindred spirit, and what hidden impulse pushed me to approach this young man to make his acquaintance. “To make his acquaintance [?] ” – no, and do I need to make the acquaintance with this one as if he is my good friend from before, Shmuel, my buddy, [rather] it is sufficient to approach him as an acquaintance and a friend from earlier … this is how my hidden impulse egged me on to approach him, but at the same time I know that this young man is a stranger and how should one approach a person whom I don’t know from earlier? Strong mighty longings awakened in my heart, longings for those same days that passed, the days I was in Hubyn, and I was in the company of friend Shmuel, the youth heartwarming by nature, mischievous, full of youthful vitality, a feeling heart, and an alert and sensitive soul; I loved the good lad, and I knew also [79] his strong love for me, his amazing loyalty; I loved all the variations of his animated soul and his heart that feels while mischievous and occupied, etc. etc. – When I see the likeness of his face before me, in the young man whom I saw yesterday, strong and difficult longings attacked me for those days and for the Shmuel, the endearing friend, for the days in which we spent together as buddies and close friends to each other in heart and soul. How many hidden and proper longings, intense and stinging, brought back to me the memories of our having fun together,^[79] in other words, just the two of us, for example, in the home of Shlomo Burshtak,^[79a] when no one else was in the home. Despite my loner personality, and despite my reticence and the depressed spirit or paralysis that descends on me constantly – many urges towards life and gaiety, childhood and playfulness are stored inside me, but they are revealed and burst forth only in the company of friends who truly notice and understand me. Shmuel was a friend like this to me. He, while he surely it is possible he didn’t understand my entire spirit, [especially] related to the question of literature, etc., but he was my friend for life in the full meaning of the word. Thus, only in his company did my hidden urges, [i.e.,] my spontaneity [lit. childhood] and my playfulness burst forth. Indeed, I remember the nights in the home of Shlomo Burshtak: no one was at home, because if there was someone, I would not have revealed my bottled up urges, and Shmuel and I sit on the sofa and with intonation sing aloud various sad, happy, and grand songs. Then we begin to wrestle, to misbehave [80] and to do “adolescent deeds,” and the bottled up urges burst out, and then I grab the brimmed hat off his head and treat it like a drum and drum on it different melodies, and Shmuel looks over and does as I do and we stand up suddenly, beginning to sing a Hasidic melody, and immediately we put our hands on each other’s shoulders and go about in a Hasidic dance, with trumpeting voices, and adolescent and childish laughter bursting from our throats.

In a revelatory moment like this, I am able to open up, I the loner, the reticent one, the irritated one, the constant skeptic – only in the company of the friend Shmuel – and there is good reason I love him, and now long for him so much. Yikes, where, oh where have the days gone?!

Many sights flash before my mind’s eye, one after another, and I am astonished: Is it true that I was prepared for adolescent deeds like these? Yes, yes in the company of a [print page 195] life’s friend like this – my urges yearning for life and joy also burst out. How much the heart yearns, how much the strong longings pinch it, and at the same time how much gentleness and sweetness I felt yesterday – at the moment when that young man who looks like Shmuel stood before me. Does he also remember me? In the place where he is now, far, far across the border, do the strong longings also attack him like those that [attack] me? – How much I want to know this! See this marvel: not specifically in relation to Shmuel [81] but also with others to whom I wasn’t so close, and them to me. As an example, every morning from the day I [first] went to the house of prayer, I see someone, who looks like Avraham Burshtak [the brother of Shmuel], and what hidden element draws me to this man and distinguishes him positively for friendship from all the other people that I meet. It seems to me that he feels friendly and close to me, but how could it be otherwise, since he resembles Avraham, and even if he is not my age, we at any rate felt close to one another and spent time together as close friends. So too with this man, as soon as I met him, it gave a push to the imaginative power that sent me flying and returning to days past, and many visions of my life in Hubyn passed before me, and my heart melted from endless yearnings.

Oh brother, how much time has passed already, and I have received nothing from beloved Zahava. If I was in another place, by myself in a room, I would suffer a great deal on account of this, but here, in this constant tumult of children with their laughter and constant joking, they stupefy the inner feeling and don’t allow any free time for private thought, they simply don’t permit any feelings of sadness or anguish with their laughter, in their constant childishness and joking. Is it possible this is beneficial for me? – – – But, whatever, I am sad about the long cessation in the exchange of our letters, and I, yes, by this time, already want to know what’s up with her.. about her wellbeing and the wellbeing of Hubyners in general. With pining eyes and heart, I wait for her first letter to arrive here in Pryluky.

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Notes

[77] Zviahel the former name of the city Novohrad-Volynkyi. ↩

[78] The close friend of Shmuel from the village of Hubyn. See Diary 1, page 16, note 24 [July 19, 1914]. [Translator’s comment]: Shmuel was the young man whose journey to the Land of Israel was cancelled at the last minute by the people of Hubyn. Yitzhak mentions Shmuel three times in his diary entries written in Hubyn (see Oct. 26, 1915, Jan 7, 1916 and see especially March 25, 1916 where they got wild together. See the overview of the Burshtak and Bortnik families. [HS] ↩

[79] Interpreting the Hebrew word here as the word meaning “to have fun, or to be entertained.” ↩

[79a] [Translator’s comment]: Shlomo Burshtak was the uncle of Yitzhak’s friend Shmuel and Yitzhak lodged some of his days at Shlomo’s house while in Hubyn. See, for example, the diary entry for January 7, 1916, where the two of them are alone in Shlomo’s house. [HS] ↩

***

[February 26, 1917] Monday, 4th of [the month of] Adar, Pryluky

I sit and hold the pen which is dipped in ink, but I don’t know what to start with, or more precisely perhaps: I don’t know what to write. Because much runs through my mind, because much takes place in my depths, and various entire worlds and forces clash inside me – about this there is no doubt, but to express it is perhaps useless, perhaps there is no need to express all this, and if I find a necessary reason to do so – its expression will be very difficult, very difficult, and certainly it can never be output completely [anyway], and perhaps not even partially –.

___________

Am I a fickle man? No! Even though I say so: [196] average and typical people apply the term fickle man to all thinkers, to all who lost their way and seek, to all who dream dreams and create secret worlds – but I, who understand souls like these, I who count myself as one of them, should I also say I am a fickle? No. It is possible if I were like other men, if I enjoyed every crumb and drop, if I walked in the typical path, and I swam with the flow – my situation in life would be a great deal better, at least comparable to the situation of everyone. I know this. But I don’t take this into consideration, because my nature and character do not permit me to consider this, as if they weren’t permitted to me – when I desire to change my nature and to swim with the flow. Thus my nature and character, apparently, are intermingled with my blood and there is no altering them.

---------

I am convinced that like the number of ideas, aspirations, thoughts, fleeting ideas that pass through my head at any moment or hour – there is a corresponding number of ideas, aspirations, thoughts and fleeting ideas resisting them. No thought formed inside me is created in silence, but rather, as long as it is alive in my spirit, it classes with another thought that cancels it and resists it, and that was formed immediately after the [first thought] was created . And this is the entire difficulty in my situation, and perhaps one can say the entire tragedy that stems from this: I can’t find a place for myself either in the external world or even in my own internal world. About this difficult situation I already remarked more than a year go in my poem “With No Rest” (BeAin Menuha) which I wrote while still in the village of Hubyn.^[79b]

Because the two sides (avareha) of one coin of life
are definitely revealed (niglata) to me.^[79c]

To be quiet and serene, to find rest is possible only when one looks at life and its consequences from one perspective, but at the moment you look and investigate from two perspectives – then at that moment it is impossible to be quiet and serene. It is possible to enjoy sunlight, only at the moment that you feel the light and enjoy it, but the moment that you think and realize that the light will be followed by darkness, after spring there is winter – this realization [84] brings disquiet deep inside and terminated the best moments of enjoyment. Egress from this situation does not exist. Because I will be in some situation, and I will think what I think, in as much as a unity [of thoughts] will not be present, and the others, namely those [thoughts] that constantly resist, will not cease. Is this not a difficult situation? Is this not difficult that the heart and brain are a battlefield of ideas and thoughts clashing and warring constantly?

Days pass, the good days come and go, and I begin to hope: look spring begins to get closer; it is possible with its approach, I will also be brought back to life, that I will also renew my strength and that from my heart will also burst the living waters of spring. While I still hope and am comforted, here already comes the clashing thoughts that cancel and overthrow hope in favor of anguish, showing you all the vanity in the foundation of this hope. Destruction is easier than building, this [truth] is known, and by this point the confusing thoughts arrive and clash begins. [print page 197]

Recently there were times in which I expressed my prevailing adolescent love, and where is there something that is nicer, more charming and more pleasant than thoughts and the daydream of love? – But even here there are clashing thoughts, neutralizing forces: Is love for you? Can you guarantee [85] and be sure? Are you fit to be beloved? And are you are able to find satisfaction? You, the investigator of everything in all their detail, who sees both sides of the coin? – – – etc. – – –

This is how I go about among people and my world – [stirred up emotionally] on the inside, who can know or understand me? and understand me? Is it necessary that they understand me? No. I will be silent and still – and I can be no one else.

The present external circumstances compelled me, the details of which I will share later, to approach some member [of the Zionist youth] who perhaps can help me. Just yesterday, after David (Kotzki) assured me that there is no danger in doing so – I went out in the morning after my prayers to the house of one of the youth, Aryeh Levyatin^[80] and I related to him all the difficulties of my present circumstances and asked him if he could give me a bit of advice Because of all this [i.e., that is going on] obviously I am still waiting and am not receiving any [offers for tutoring] lessons. Indeed, it is possible this person will benefit me a little because he told me that it is already possible to obtain [some types of ] lessons and that I can teach in his cheder. Hower matters are not clear yet but, in any case, will become clear soon. In fact, while writing the present diary entry, a young woman came here [to the Feldman house] to ask me if it is possible for me to take on lessons. Obviously, my answer was negative, but I responded that things would be clearer in the coming days. [86] In general, I see that I can establish my material circumstances here without difficulty – but only after I receive my new clothes [identity papers], but who knows how long this matter is going to take.

I realize that in order to completely establish my financial security here – [I need] to rent a special room, because I don’t see any possibility of [doing so while] living here [in the Feldman house]. It is impossible to focus on my creative work in the general rooms amidst the constant noise and ruckus. I already experience the internal need to begin my creative endeavors, after necessarily stopping this somewhat long period. It seems to be that once I begin this effort, I will invest my entire strength and blood into it, another refuge from the vacuous life – truly this is what I sense and anticipate.

But look, here too arises the same pressure, in the form of thoughts and impulses resisting and clashing even with this idea: to be creative, but what purpose does your creativity hold? What will it bring you? What is the end?... Is there a refuge in life? If so, do they have value?... When you devote yourself to the creativity that thousands of thinkers, researchers, and poets devoted themselves to in every generation, are you adding straw to dust? Will [print page 198] you solve the riddles of the world? Do they have solutions? Lord of the Universe! What is wanted from me, this clown? Is it not this one [i.e. Yitzhak himself] a spark igniting from the nature [87] of the Jew who investigates the purpose of everything and the essence of everything and who does find does not find satisfaction in art alone. All the representations (marʾôt) of life and all works of living – are but flowers and we enjoy only the beauty of flowers; but the moment we seek the essence of them, and tear off their leaves,^[81] one by one, to see what is concealed, we become convinced of the magnitude of our remorse because – there is nothing…

I tear the petals from each and every flower – and the big zero goes and reveals itself to me with all its terrors (môrāʾôt).^[81a]

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Notes

[79b] [Translator’s comment:] Perhaps he is referring to one of the poems he describes writing in his entry from March 16 or March 19, 1916. [HS] ↩

[79c] [Translator’s comment:] The words in bold appear at the end of the Hebrew lines and rhyme, but the English doesn’t preserve the same word order. [HS] ↩

[80] No additional details are known about him and he is mentioned a second time in the diary on page 198 [Feb. 28, 1917]. [Translator’s comment:] It seems conceivable this this Aryeh Levyatin was a relative of Yehuda Levyatov (also spelled Levitov or Libitov, 1895-1978) who was one of the Pryluky Zionist Youth who joined the agricultural training farm in Odessa and then was a founder of Kiryat Anavim in 1920. [HS] ↩

[81] The word “ṭerep” the wide body of the leaf connected to the stem in the middle of the petiole. Here carrying the meaning of petals. “Tarafim” is the name that Lamdan suggested bestowing on the periodical that he sought to edit with A. Shlonsky during the days he stayed in Sharona. See Letters of Yitzhak Lamdan (Igrot Yitzhak Lamdan), ibid, page 37ff. ↩

[81a] [Translator’s comment]: It appears Yitzhak is playing on the similar of the Hebrew works “mirror/vision” and terror. Without the vowels in Hebrew, the lettering of the two words is very similar identical. The linguistic pun carries the philosophical implication that “mirroring the world” in creative artistic efforts leads to dread. [HS] ↩

***

[February 28, 1917] Wednesday 6th of [the month of] Adar, 5677, Pryluky

Finally, after prolonged waiting, I received a postcard from Zahava yesterday evening. This postcard was written in pencil, and her words were very terse. She indicates she will write me a detailed letter that very night or the next day, “because at this point it is hard for her to tolerate not writing for such a long time like this.” Yesterday I sent her the third postcard, and therefore I won’t answer her in the meantime until I receive the letter.

Tomorrow I will finally begin teaching, with those very lessons that it is possible for me to obtain despite my current difficult situation. The first lesson is with one young woman Manya Pomerantz;^[82] and the second [lesson] with two young men. I don’t know the salary yet, and I intend to visit with Mr. Aryeh Levyitan^[82a] today and consult with him on this matter.

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Notes

[82] No details are known about her. [Translator’s comment: It seems possible this young woman was from the family of Kalman Pomerantz. According to online sources, the family came to Pryluky during the upheavals of WWI. One daughter, Malka Pomerantz (1900–1929) (probably not Manya but perhaps a sister?), was first exposed to the fervor of the Zionist idea, and was among the founding members of the "Cooperative of Eretz Israel," an association that championed the establishment of a pioneering settlement in Eretz Israel. In 1920, she set sail for the port of Constanta in Romania, and from there sailed to the port of Jaffa. Upon her arrival, Malka took an active and central role in the group of founders of Kibbutz Kiryat Anavim. Quoted in Revealed to the Eye, in the album entry for the Tzakhovoy-Haklai-Eitan families. See https://israelalbum.org.il/image-page/?type=collection&id=9700.0051 [HS] ↩

[82a] [Translator’s comment:] See Yitzhak’s previous entry for Feb. 26, where he mentions seeking advice from a Zionist youth named Aryeh Levyatin. Here he calls him Mr. Aryeh Levyatin, signaling his respect for him and probably that he was older than Yitzhak. See additional comments in note 80 above. [HS] ↩

***

March 1917

[March 4, 1917] Sunday, the 10th of the month of Adar, 5677, Pyruky, [OS date in Julian calendar]: 2/18/1917 [but should be 2/19/17[83]]

It is possible that in the coming days I will extricate myself a bit from the difficult outward circumstances that I find myself in now. On Wednesday near evening, I received a postcard from [my sister] Malcah from Kiev, in which [print page 199] she writes that Shimon Berger^[84] came to Kiev and brought with him what's necessary [in the way of new identity papers] for N.^[85] “Mine” he will send soon. At the same time, she informed me that Riba gave birth to a son [Yosef Litvak],^[85a] "Well Done." "Congratulations!" ("Le Mazal Tov").

Along with with [sic] this postcard, I received a postcard from [my brother] Moshe. He of course doesn't know anything yet [about the identity papers]. He writes that each day he waits with bated breath to receive what's needed, but he hasn't received it. By now, he certainly knows the situation [about Shimon bring the identity papers], because Malcah writes that she telegraphed him [Moshe] that he should come to Kiev. Moshe’s letter had a depressing impact on me in general. From each and every word sprout deep anguish and chilly, strong grief, making a profound impact on me this time and all the various misfortunes that have befallen us. A is well known, I too am not among those who has great optimistic faith [in the future], but there are times that the anguish subsides a bit in me – [at the time] when it is terrible and difficult for him. On my brother’s character and the differences and similarities between us – I intend to write with more clarity in my diary but will postpone this to another time.

On Wednesday evening, I received a Hebrew letter from Zahava. Her letter was filled with confessions of love (whether genuine or not, I won’t discuss now) and with longings: “It seems like a full year has already passed during which I haven’t written to you, and it was so very hard on me that I haven’t be able to bear it. My darling, every time we are further and further apart, but do not despair, my darling, our love will bring us closer to each other, so that we will not forget each other for even a moment.” Casting doubt on whether these words are heartfelt is almost impossible for me, the fussy, nitpicking, doubter. Simply put, the typical mischief of youth still flows in Zahava, and much more of adolescent purity is stored inside her, but as to being a phony, in any manner – she is incapable, and no doubt she wrote what she did from deep, natural love, from painful longings. I won’t guarantee [her sincerity in] the future, but in the present this how it is and not otherwise.

But look how doubt and suspicion steal into her heart with respect to my relationship to her. “Truly, since then, I haven’t been able to tell what bubbles and stirs in your heart, for at this point such a long time has passed in which I have not received a letter from you.” But this suspicion ends in hope: “I believe also in your, my darling, I know, I know that your heart is always, always honest towards me.” Many additional confessions and expressions of love like these filled this letter, which also included a little bit of news. Etke, the wife of Shlomo Burshtak,^[86] gave birth to a son, congratulations (“le mazal tov”). Two additional news items: [90] A tragedy befell Nahman Hahironbai: gasoline spilled on his face and caught fire. He has already been convalescing for three weeks in the hospital. Now, thank God, he has by this point improved, and he is preparing to leave the hospital soon. [print page 200] Devorah Burshtak^[87] is very sick and she is traveling to Kiev, where they will perform surgery for her. Very tragic! Alone with her two children, her husband is on the other side of the border [under Austrian control] and they don’t hear anything from each other, and now she is in a dangerous situation like this. Oh, how terrible and difficult.

I already responded in a Hebrew letter to this letter of Zahava’s: I wrote also to [my brother] Moshe and to Baranovka [where sister Heni lives and his sister Hansa is staying].^[88] Today I sent a letter in jargon [i.e. Yiddish] to Kiev with Mr. Avraham Feldman.

During this past Thursday, 2/16 [OS] [i.e., Mar. 1, 1917 NS],^[89] I began to teach the young Pomerantz woman. I still don’t know what the [lesson] rate will be. She takes lessons three times a week. I also expected to begin teaching two young men today – but it was cancelled. Another group of four people intends to study with me and they asked me the terms, and I said: 20 rubles a month, 5 rubles for each member, but they want to pay 16 rubles, and I don’t know yet how this will be resolved.

Due to my love (I don’t know another more fitting word/expression) or due to my relationship with Zahava [I] want to dedicate some words in my diary to the mesh of my thoughts [9a] and ideas entwined around it, though, to be sure, not in its entirety, but rather piecemeal.

As I already explained in my previous entry, even with regard to [the subject of] love, I experience clashing ideas, as I also explained in abundant detail. Look there are days, hours, minutes that I strike a red line through this entire subject, analyzing it with my known doubts – and finding all the nothingness and absurdity, all the emptiness and dissatisfaction in it – and that’s it! A wearying topic – like all wearying topics, and this too is “vanity and striving after wind” [Ecclesiastes 1:14]. Everything according to the emotional state at that hour. In other words: the negative dimension in a matter becomes clear and evident in proportion to the character and quality of my difficult emotional state at that moment, or in proportion to the source of the difficulty in that situation – – – –

There are times, hours, minutes, when the matter is reversed. [The cause of difficulty emanates from inside, not outward circumstances] Some bring difficult moments: tired from everything all around, depressed from the challenging dissatisfaction, from loneliness, with no escape or corner for your depressed spirit, with no friend who understands your spirit; in these moments of anguish and grief, of negative and harsh looking at life in general – I long for one hour of satisfaction to be in proximity to someone who loves you and admires you, [to whom] you can recount everything, and spill the bitterness in the heart [ print page 201] to her and bury my head in her bosom – and that’s enough. Just this hour. And what else is left to hope for? A greater satisfaction – there is none.

[92] There are moments that strong longings will attack me. All the nice memories of winter days float up in my mind and the beginning of spring in the year that passed. The longings are cleansing and sweetly squeeze my heart – and I long again to be near her, and be loved, and to have fun with loved ones. In general, it is possible to spit these longing into two types.

a) Longings of a young boy for a young girl. In my present gloomy life. In the days of my past youth, and all of them have no splendor without delight, without life – I begin to long for her, to embrace her, to kiss her, to caress her and to express love, adolescent love and desire, of boiling blood of youth. – – – – –

b) Tender and enjoyable longings for the soul of a faithful sister. Longings, not for embracing, kissing, petting from the source of youthful blood boiling at full force, but rather from refined longings for an intimate encounter, barring the soul, sharing all the troubles and misfortunes that test the heart, [longings] for a soft prayer over the difficult affront of our gloomy life. Without the sparks of lust and desire, for the relationship of a man for a woman, rather gentle hugging, modestly and refined, by a lover of his beloved, like towards a consoling and faithful sister. [93]My longings recently generally belong to the second type. Generally? That’s how it seems to me, that the longings of the first type were not recently in my heart at all. But I found myself under the influence of the second type of longings yesterday towards evening and all night long. Instead of this influence, I began to write one poem. I will continue to write another poem at another time, if not with this content, with a melancholy lyrical spirit, like this, on account of all this, and in general about my emotional state.

__________ __________

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Notes

[83] Departing from his usual custom, Lamdan adds the date in the Julian calendar at the left end of the date line, which was later than the Gregorian [date] by two weeks. The Julian calendar was standard in Russia until the end of Jan. 1918. In this calculation, Lamdan erred by one day and corrected it later (page 77); Thursday in the Julian calendar was the 16th [Translator’s comment: I believe the critical edition meant the 19th]. In this diary entry he repeatedly points out the Julian date from time to time. [Translator’s comment: In English historiographical writing on this period of the Russian Revolution, scholars tend to use the notation OS [“Old Style,” meaning Julian calendar] and NS (“New Style” to mean dates in the Gregorian [Western] calendar). See, for example, Richard Pipes, The Russian Revolution, New York, Vintage Books, p. 111. In the 20th century the Julian calendar date was 13 days behind the date of the Gregorian calendar. That lag between the two calendar systems explains why the so-called “February Revolution” that began in Russia in 1917 began in March on the Gregorian/Western calendar, as we shall see. The date of this diary entry by Yitzhak was March 4, 1917, in the Gregorian/Western calendar and Feb. 19, 1917 on Julian calendar. We don’t know whether Yitzhak was calculating the date and made a mistake when writing Feb. 18, 1917 here or whether he was picking up the incorrect date on the Julian calendar from conversations in town or local newspapers.

In any case, it seems both poignant and uncanny that Yitzhak suddenly now begins including the date from the secular Julian calendar in his diary. It is as if he senses that new external events are about to impinge on his life. While there was intensifying criticism of Tsarist rule publicly in the Duma starting in November 1916 and while the winter of 1916-1917 was a brutal one in Russia deepening the shortages caused by the War, no one yet anticipated by this date, March 12, 1917 NS, that in a matter of eight days, the revolution would begin in Petrograd and the Tsar would abdicate. As the historian Richard Pipes writes, “If the February Revolution is to have a date when it began, that date has to be February 27th / March 12, 1917, when worker demonstrations turned into a soldier mutiny and the tsarist authorities lost control of the capital (Pipes, Russian Revolution, p. 484). ↩

[84] Shimon Berger, a friend of Lamdan, mentioned many times in the diary. [Translator’s comment:] See, for example, July 21, 1914 where Shimon Berger comes to the Lamdan home and tries to enlist Moshe and Yitzhak in his business opportunity in Dubno involving hops. After he teases Yitzhak about his desire to make aliyah, Yitzhak comments that he doesn’t take seriously the opinions of someone like Shimon Berger. It is a rich irony here in a way that Shimon is the one who brought Yitzhak’s new identity papers from Mlynov. ↩

[85] The identity of N. is not known. ↩

[85a] Yitzak Litvak (1917-2001), son of Riba (Lamdan) and her husband Motl-Meir Litvak (1881-1942) had two children. Yosef was the second. While he was born in Kiev, as we learn here, he grew up in Mlynov and later contributed essays about Mlynov to the Memorial book. See the bio of Yosef Litvak ↩

[85b] [Translator’s comment:] See entry for Nov. 23, 1915 when Yitzhak stays at Etke’s home. [HS] ↩

[86] Wife of Yehezkel Burshtak from the village of Hubyn. [Translator’s comment: Yitzhak wrote with gratitude about Devorah creating space in her cupboards for his papers in his early days in Hubyn (Nov. 2, 1915). [HS] ↩

[87] Baranovka, the place where the eldest sister Heni lives near her father-in-law. ↩

***

[March 7, 1917] Purim night [Wednesday, 13th of the month of Adar] 5677, Pryluky

As [the festival of] Purim came round this year, memories of last year’s Purim days in the village of Hubyn rose up unbidden and tangled themselves in my mind. Out of the mist of memory, rays of light from those days flashed forth, and I feel the shadows mingled with them as well.

Purim night rises before my eyes, by which I mean, the first night of Purim.^[88a] I am in the home of Mr. Moshe Bortnik, the father of my sweetheart Zahava. The details of my visit there that same night – I certainly do not remember, and my diary entry doesn’t include them.^[89] – [print page 202] but this alone I remember, that I felt very good about myself then, close to this beloved young girl; I remember that the spirit of adolescence filled me up after a day [filled with] a mountain of hardships. – [94] a soul cruelly tormented with doubts and suffering from everything surrounding it. I remember: the serenity of the holiday settled over the house, the excitement in the holiday’s warm atmosphere, and the candelabra scattered its light… how good it was for a heart depressed from hardships, and I indeed felt the closeness of the faithful sister, Zahava, and it was good for me. I remember that there were other people there in the house at the time, and I was reading (with Beracha and Zavaha, I think) some books, but how Zahava and I passed the time – the two of us that same night, I don’t remember. I remember only that I felt good and encouraged then, but according to the words of my diary entries, we chatted and talked a lot that night.^[90]

A bit more is retained in my memories from Purim day. I remember that I spent time in the home of Mrs. Chaya Burshtak, that same house infused with idyllic grace and serenity and tender family charm and that I felt so good about myself in that house due to the idyllic serenity and [in Russian:] warmth^[91] there, – and I wrote my diary entry, and it was very difficult for me then, difficult and terrible. Doubts and the various mysteries of life troubled my heart, and this sorrow mixed with the sadness of a son who was separated from his parents who didn’t hear anything from them, – and it became a difficult bonfire of sorrow, very difficult – – – I still remember my feeling then, and proof, the diary entry from that day.

It was difficult for me then and I didn’t [imagine] that by next Purim, my situation would be sevenfold worse. Who could have imagined that our return to our parents – would end in a tragedy as terrible and bitter as this... Who could have imagined that the next Purim I would already be an orphan [i.e. motherless].^[91a] An orphan! How terrible and painful this thing is even to contemplate; I mean, even to think about, and not only to live through. My God! My God! What have you done to us?! Who could have imagined that in next Purim I would [look back and] think that the present days – were good and radiant ones in my life and that I would long for them? But its true! That how it is! Tiny human beings, weak and feeble, are drowning in the great ocean,^[91b] which beats its waves in the fury of time; it sweeps them away, carries them off, tosses them about, and does with them as it pleases. Sometimes it seems to one of these weak creatures, when the ocean, that is, the small place in which he is swimming, has subsided from its fury, that they are the ones rowing; that they are guiding themselves, charting their own path, and that everything is proceeding according to their will. Then the weak one, the tiny creature, sees how weak he is, how he is like all the rest, within this storm-tossed ocean – time.

Today I thought of something new. New? No! I remember that I already thought about this matter in Hubyn: writing my memories of my life from the period of my childhood until a later time.

[96] I know that it is impossible to record my life’s events in order, that is, from childhood [print page 202] until now continuously and gradually, one after another, as they actually developed in life. For that, the powers of my memory are far too weak. Perhaps I could manage it, but only in a much shorter form. Therefore, I think I will write only section by section: episodes from my life, from different periods and moments; that is, whatever comes into my memory. Whether I will in fact begin my work on this in the coming days – I don’t know. I have accumulated a great deal more material that requires arrangement and improvement – which I haven’t yet begun, and I regret this a great deal.

In general, anxiety about my talent troubles me in recent days. If I want to find some foothold in this difficult, empty life – then I have no other way (at least, so I think now, perhaps only at this time…) but to preserve my originality and not alter my nature. I sometimes tend to have a bit of faith in my creative powers (though of course, many times I deny this completely) but I feel that it also requires unceasing development and refinement, which is possible only with the help of suitable and supportive conditions. These, in any case, I will not find here, but only in a place where life is richer in variety and sights, in a social group more understanding and discerning, more sensitive and alert to hearing the murmuring heart of the wanderer, dreamer, and poet [97] and such a place that could serve me somewhat – is Moscow. There is no other place now. Almost all of the few Hebrew writers are congregated there, almost only there; there now, too, is the small center of Hebrew literature.^[92] And there I could find my footing. But how do you get there? Of course, even once I have the necessary thing [identity papers] I am now waiting for – I still cannot go there. I need to arrive there as I am… … and for that purpose, I need to obtain a certain sum of money – which I do not have, and which I have no hope of gathering in a short time. And so? I can reach this goal only with the help of others; that is, if there are people who, in their kindness, would be willing to lend me this sum of money. But who and how? It is difficult. In any case, I must think this matter over. I intend to write to Aharon Fierer from Mervits, who is in Moscow, and ask him about everything. Meanwhile, I haven’t done anything further about it.

__________

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Notes

[88a] [Translator’s comment:] Purim is a joyous, carnivalesque holiday commemorating the rescue of the Jewish people in ancient Persia from a plot to annihilate them as told in the Book of Esther. On the first night of the holiday, there is a public reading of the Book of Esther in the synagogue and attendees wear costumes and use noisemakers (groggers) to drown out the villain Haman’s name. Drinking alcohol is permitted and even encouraged on the festival. The Talmud (Megillah 7b) quotes Rava saying: a person must get drunk on Purim until he cannot distinguish between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai.” [HS] ↩

[89] See Diary 2 (March 18, 1916), [Heb.] p. 140. [Translator’s comment:] In that diary entry, in fact, Yitzhak discusses a range of many feelings about his relationship with Zavah, her love for him, his erotic feelings, and his ambivalence about those feelings. [HS] ↩

[90] Compare his words there (Heb.) p. 141 [March 18, 1916]): “I sat and I chatted with her.” ↩

[91] Russian lettering for the word “warmth.” ↩

[91a] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew term yātôm (orphan) can be used with the loss of one or both parents. [HS] ↩

[91b] [Translator’s comment:] A Greek loan word for ocean that entered into rabbinic Hebrew. [HS] ↩

[92] See his words on page [Heb.] 184 [Jan. 30, 1917] about the Moscow newspaper, Ha-Am, [“The People”] that served in this period as a central platform for writers and thinkers in the Hebrew language and about the literary monthly Chayenu (“Our Lives”) that would be published in Moscow in that same period. Ha-Am was published in Moscow as weekly and a weekly supplement in the later part of 1916 until the middle of 1918. See Yehoshua A. Gilboa, A Language Stands for Its Soul: Hebrew Culture in the Soviet Union. [Heb]. Tel Aviv: Poalim Library, p. 23. ↩

***

[March 13, 1917] Tuesday night^[92a], 19th of [the month of] Adar, 5677. Pryluky

On Sunday this week I received a postcard from Moshe in which he writes that in the coming days he will finally send me what is needed [new papers]. The next day, I wrote him a long Hebrew letter. In it, I told him a little of my situation here in Pryluky. I also wrote to him about my idea to travel to Moscow (an idea that is already beginning, in these days, to lose it force for me as I became convinced more and more convinced of the impossibility of carrying it out) and I explained to him further how necessary this journey is for me, as a aid to the development of my creative talent.

[98] Yesterday I received a postcard from Zahava in answer to my postcard that I sent to her even before I received word from her. I also received a postcard from Yaakov Krantz^[93] – that youth refugee whom I love a great deal specifically due to his simplicity and his steadfast, loyal heart, devoted as a result. He informed me that soon the longstanding homeowner will again come to the city [of Lutsk] – and if I desire, I can come there, and he is very angry with me that despite his having already written to me several times, I still haven’t answered him at all.

Evidently, the difficult hour that I dread has drawn near… that “fear” that has so often tormented me in secret – comes closer to realization. –— Apparently [the fear arrives] with the postcard of Yankeli [Yaakov Krantz]. Even by myself I can understand this. After all, spring won’t pass without momentous events [of War], that are near at hand [lit. near to the gate]–— and how deeply in secret I grieve this! There is no point now in entering into deep investigations and rummaging inquiries, in as much as in the end I still have a live and dear matter to occupy myself with – my love. I repeat and say: I don’t want to probe too much or measure how much truth there is in this love, if that is impossible now, – the coming days will prove one way or the other. But in this, there is no doubt: the existence of my love occupies a considerable place in the content of my life – in the meantime. How many ideas and fleeting thoughts, visions and dreams weave themselves around this? How many times does this secret, pleasant stirrings, enter my heart… How many times my soul pours itself out in secret and pure prayer to that epitome of love that is far from me during a time of weakness and exhaustion?... How many sweet, heart-pinching memories arise in my mind, memories of the past not far from the springtime of our love? In the end, I must admit that this love sometimes is revealed to me as bands of light stretched across the mists of my hard life. And is there is a soul closer to me (apart from my brother, sisters and father) in the world – than her? Yes, I am truly alone, even though I don’t feel my loneliness so acutely. By now, I have been staying here more than six weeks, and apart from the youth and the nearby circles here, as it were, I haven’t acquired even one friend here at all to whom I can simply speak with an open heart, who will understand a friend, who will listen to what I have to say, – a steadfast and beloved friend, is not here. It is not just that I haven’t acquired one until now – it is certain that also in the future [print page 205] there will not be one like this here. Yet there is one dear soul far away who pours all her wellsprings in me, so that I – am the content of her current and future life; I – am the content of her dreams and reveries, and her concern about me – is like the concern of a good and compassionate sister – how could I not love her? How could my heart not feel strong affection for her? Indeed, there are moments when strong mighty longings draw me to her, to her. How pleasant those moments are for me, like the moments that I receive a [100] letter from her! Reading her simple and affectionate words, it feels to me that I am sitting besides her and hearing her pleasant voice speaking to me. While reading this letter, I already want to receive the second, the third… and so on. Indeed, this exchange of letters between us is now the only thread now that can bind us together so that we don’t lose none another. Now if a single letter (lit. “part”) occupies such an important place in the content of my life – what will indeed be the case when the external events completely sever [our ties] so that we are unable able to exchange letters, and each of will know nothing of the other, and we will be lost to each other, and separated from each other – – – What then? This fear torments me greatly, because I know that if it comes to pass, it can make a harsh and marked impression on my life.

I know that if indeed, God forbid, this fear [of separation] comes to pass, I know I would constantly be brooding and thinking [as follows]: “A flash of contented, pleasurable happiness gleamed before me — and vanished – and it disappeared, perhaps now forever, and how good it would have been for me not to lose Zahava (“the golden one”),^[93a] how much lighter and better my life would have been, if I was able to conclude with her a covenant of my love forever (i.e., marriage) – and then the happiness would shine – but then it would disappear, now what? Even if I found along the way faces of others that capture heart and soul, and I connect to them full heartedly, still in the hour of my loneliness, my heart would not in any case relinquish the shining (mazhîr ) past that disappeared, the Zahava (“golden one”) who disappeared, since in the end she was the most dearest and best, and these [others] what are they? My soul pours forth in sorrow and futile longings with no end, even though I know that if in truth [101] if my first love was realized – that the splendor of its springtime would gradually dim, and I would cry and complain in secret: I imprisoned myself, I chased a flash in error, at a time I could have been free to absorb radiant (zōhar) light from many other sources of light… from other abundant openings.

Yes, I know all this, but still, despite this knowledge, there is no remedy for this. Despite this knowledge, it is impossible in any case to finish reciting “the praise” [the Hallel^[93b]] of the ongoing present and be satisfied with it, and to recognize the falseness and lie of the past and future… It is impossible and that’s how it has been, is and will be. Thus, none of this “knowledge” is useful to me, and I will regret it very, very much and suffer a great deal if, God forbid, the aforementioned fear comes to pass. I will then think– I lost so very much and perhaps even everything – when it is very possible that if the opposite was the case [i.e. we were not separated], I would have realized that nothing at all had been lost to me … that’s how the matter is and there is no changing it.

By the way, last night I dreamt that there I was seeing my sweetheart. This dream was not clear. I remember only that I saw her face, which was so very round and lovely, and I gazed into her eyes, and she gazed at me with such beautiful smiling eyes, with a slight smile [page 206] on her lips and this gaze was so caressing, comforting, good and precious and love saturated. So full of calm and devotion! And under the influence of this gaze there poured through all my limbs warm tenderness of love, the intoxication of happiness and endless contentment, moments of love happiness, pleasure and enjoyment, as if through this pleasant gaze in the dream I felt what I doubted in reality; indeed, only in a dream is it possible to find oneself in moments such as these… which is difficult and not solvable in reality, with how you torture your mind with whether this is true or not, true or false, with questions about love that you debate and probe constantly – in a dream it appears to you so clear and moving, those moments of sacred happy love, that in reality are impossible to imagine.

Therefore, all the beautiful and sublime – [exist] only in dreams, but the dreams – dreams they are! … __________

Here even now, when I write this present diary entry – I feel the ferment of love. Hidden yet powerful longings break as strong waves in the heart, and all of me – prayer, my longings – are towards her.

I shouldn’t discount the value of these moments, without investigating further whether there is value in them also for the future. Now – this is the way it is – and it needs to be this way! The value of the present time is significant and very important and who knows if, in this sense, it doesn’t also illuminate in some measure and will not become, in the coming days, a kind of wondrous and shining past [103] opposite the gloomy present that is to come– –.

I immediately answered Yaakov Krantz in a postcard. I also wrote Zahava a postcard today. From Baranovka I have received nothing, which saddens me greatly. I so much want to know about the wellbeing of father and the aunt and [sister] Chantza who are staying in Novohrad Volinkski. Frequently I sit by myself alone in a corner, begin to sink into difficult thoughts about the ruin of our family – and my soul weeps, weeps without cease in secret …My heart feels like it will explode from pain, when recalling the broken and dejected father living such a difficult life, a life of hardship, after a long habit of decades of quiet and comfortable life infused by idyllic innocence– Yikes, my God, my God – how difficult the destruction, and I know the destruction is an eternal ruin. Even if we hope that they return to Mlynov, to their home, to the former outward condition, [nonetheless] the sparkle of the family, the serenity of life – has by this point passed away for good. If the mother is gone – everything is gone! There is no radiant sun pouring its light in every visible and hidden corner of the house… There is no compassionate soul, sensitive and alert to every tiny internal tremor in the life of the family. Woe we have become orphans – and even if we weep day and night, if the wellspring of our tears does not dry up – we don’t have enough strength to lament this great difficult loss; We don’t have enough words to articulate its impact. We are bereft forever. Our family life – has ceased. [page 207] Their light and brilliance taken away, shadows and gloom all around and darkness. Woe, mother, dear mother! – The heart cries a terrible cry of despair – [104] Mother! Dear and holy mother – Where are you? Where are you? Why did you leave us here to sighs, sorrow and endless torments? Mother! Mother! Where are you, the dear one?!

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Notes

[92a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak dates this entry as the 19th of Adar, which in 1917 began in the Jewish calendar on Monday, March 12th at sunset and continued until sunset Tuesday, March 13th. The Hebrew indicates it was “night of the third day.” The critical edition appears to clarify in brackets that he means it was “the 2nd (day of the week) in the evening,” implying that it was Monday night. That would be the case if Yitzhak was using traditional Jewish calendrical concepts where a new day starts at sundown. Monday at sunset starts day 3 (Saturday night– beginning of day 1, Sunday night – beginning of day 2, Monday night – beginning of day 3).

However, as discussed in other notes, Yitzhak sometimes appears to use secular calendar concepts and referred to the night as following the day, which he appears to do here. “The night of the third day” in secular concepts would be Tuesday night, not Monday night. This seems to fit the content of his entry better. In this entry he writes that he received a letter from his brother Moshe on Sunday, and he replied “the following day,” which seems to suggest he replied Monday during the day. If he was writing in his diary Monday evening, as the critical edition implies, it seems likely he would have indicated that he replied to Moshe “today.”

[93] A resident of Lutzk. Lamdan corresponded with him already when he was staying in Baranovka [see January 8, 1917]. ↩

[93a] [Translator’s comment:] Throughout this paragraph, Yitzhak is punning on the name Zahava, which comes from the word for “gold” and shares the same Hebrew stem with the word for “shine” (mazhîr) and radiant (zōhar). He compares his relationship to Zahava to brilliant light from the past that will dim in the future. [HS] ↩

[93b] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak uses the word “hallel” meaning praise and referring to the six joyous prayers of praise (Psalm 113-118) recited in the Jewish liturgy on major Jewish holidays. [HS] ↩

***

[March 20 (or 21), 1917 NS]^[93c] March 8, 1917 [OS]^[94] Tuesday [or Wednesday]^[94a] night, 27th of [the month of Adar], 5777. Pryluky

It has been more than a week since I wrote in my diary, although several times during these days I felt the need to write. But a certain laziness to which I am prone from time to time attacked me these days – and doesn’t let me to do anything. The whole day passed me by in idleness, despite the abundance of work^[94b] and the vast material I am accumulating needs shaping and refinement. I am angry and frustrated with myself on account of this.

Momentous events that we hadn’t imagined possible even in a dream took place during several days: A revolution broke out in Russia and within a few days completely defeated the old regime, deposed the Tsar [lit. King], a Provisional government was established, and they established laws and new systems, the substance of which is freedom, justice etc.^[95] Of course, the restrictions on Jews are also nullified. And there are already beginnings in this regard. Meanwhile these momentous, new events ushered in a new atmosphere everywhere. There is no fear and terror with respect …—^[96] They stripped all the police^[97] of their weapons and are establishing a municipal militia.^[98] And immediately I go about freely, with nothing to fear [105] but in general I will not discuss this matter at length, for however interesting and of great significance to the public as a whole (left unfinished)^[99]

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Notes

[93c] [Translator’s comment:] In this entry and those that follow, Yitzhak includes the secular date from the Julian calendar which was still in use in Russia at the time. His inclusion of the secular date underscores his recognition of the momentous nature of the events emanating from secular political developments of the revolution. Following scholarly conventions hereafter, the Gregorian date is indicated by the acronym NS (new style) and the Julian date by the acronym OS (old style). [HS] ↩

[94] Following the Julian calendar. [Translator’s comment:] In 1917, the Julian calendar was 13 days behind the Gregorian calendar. March 8, 1917, on the Julian calendar was Wednesday, March 21, 1917 on the Gregorian calendar. [HS] ↩

[94a] [Translator’s comment:] As in the previous entry, there is an ambiguity whether Yitzhak is using traditional Jewish calendrical concepts or secular ones when he refers to nighttime. If, as the critical edition assumes, he is using traditional Jewish concepts where nighttime begins a day, he wrote his last entry on Monday night March 12th (beginning of the 19th of Adar) and wrote this entry eight days later on the 27th of Adar which begins Tuesday evening, March 20th. If he was using secular concepts, in which night follows the day, he wrote his last entry on Tuesday night March 13th and this entry on Wednesday, March 21st. Either way there are eight days between the two entries and during that period the Russian Revolution began and toppled the Tsarist regime. That Yitzhak is thinking in secular calendrical concepts appears confirmed by the date he gives in the Julian calendar: March 8, 1917, which on the Gregorian calendar is Wednesday, March 21, 1917. See note 92a above. [HS] ↩

[94b] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak’s language here is reminiscent of Rabbi Tarfon’s famous saying in Pirkei Avot 2:15 “the day is short, the work is plentiful, and the laborers are indolent, and the rewards is great, and the master of the house is insistent.” [HS] ↩

[95] The first phase in the February Revolution of 1917 was the Bolshevik revolution. About two weeks before this day that Lamdan wrote this – February 23 on the Julian calendar (March 8 on the Gregorian calendar) – the demonstrations of workers against the government began that became a general strike in Petrograd (St. Petersburg) and a confrontation with the Tsar’s forces. On March 2nd (Julian calendar) Tsar Nicholas II announced his abdication and the following day the government’s authority was passed to the interim transitional government. See Rex A. Wade, The Russian Revolution, 1917. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, pp. 29-52. [Translator’s comment: The Bolshevik coup actually materialized only later October 1917 under Lenin’s guidance. Though some Bolsheviks were involved in the February Revolution, they were still in the minority along with progressives and other moderate socialists in the Provisional government.

What is interesting about Yitzhak’s entry here is his apparent awareness at least in part of the eight point program published initially by the Provisional Government which had assumed power. (p. 511). Yitzhak seems to be aware of at least two and possible three the points in the program: Point 2 granted “freedom of speech, association, an assembly, and the right to strike.” Point 3 provided “immediate abolition of disabilities and privileges due to nationality, religion, or social origin;” and Point 5 indicated that “all police organs were to be dissolved and replaced by a militia with elected officers and supervised by local government.” See Richard Pipes, The Russian Revolution. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1991, pp 545-571 and especially p. 511. [HS] ↩

[96] Fear of forced conscription to the army. ↩

[97] Using the Russian word “Politsiya” for police – police of the Tsar’s government ↩

[98] Municipal militia, forces that were active in the capital Petrograd (now St. Petersburg) in the revolutionary authority comprised of deserters of the Tsar’s army among others. ↩

[99] [The words in parentheses] are a comment of Lamdan. It appears Lamdan worried that the diary would fall into the hands of the authorities and he would be forced to enlist in the military. [Translator’s comment:] As becomes evident in his next entry, Yitzhak broke off this entry mid-sentence, not because he was censoring himself, but because he was interrupted and had the opportunity to go meet someone. The Provisional Government intended to continue the war effort. It is not clear from Yitzhak’s entry whether this knowledge was the cause of his fear or whether the general uncertainty about the meaning of events accounts for his hesitation of writing more. ↩

***

[March 21 (or 22), 1917 (NS)],^[99a] Wednesday [or Thursday] 28th of [the month of] Adar. Pryluky. March 9, 1917 [OS]

I began the previous entry last night, and while in the middle [of writing] my former teacher, Motl Chizik,^[100] arrived and he told me that Dr Feigelson^[101] sent word via Sonia Goldstein,^[102] that if I want to visit him, I should go to him after 9 o’clock. I immediately went to him. But, on account of this, I will perhaps continue writing and will now finish the entry which I interrupted in the middle.

… – Therefore, I won’t go on at length again discussing the momentous events of the present (however interesting and significant they are in general, but rather as regards the individual, in other words – to me personally), which brought me to an altered state of mind about which I don’t know what to say or what to relate. I stand amazed before the spectacle of these events, and at times a bitter feeling seethes in [my] heart: every people, every land awakens in revival, striding forward with giant steps; and our people? – Our people are merely eyewitnesses and participants only in others’ celebrations but have none of their own … and it is difficult. Difficult. Although at times a completely different feeling awakens within: “indeed these are good reasons for me to rejoice, for why should I still remain within the narrow national circle? Yes, all this is a triumph of humanity’s ideals of right and justice. And therefore – all is well!” – But my national sentiment is stronger – and this latter feeling weeps and protests secretly…

Today I was at the site of a big gathering where a demonstration was held to honor the new Russian liberation, speeches were delivered [106] people shouted hurrah etc., etc., and I stood there, listened, watched and such an untethered feeling seized me. ––

So, as I wrote above, I found myself yesterday at Dr. Feigelson’s, the head of the Zionist association, “Eretz Yisrael” [Land of Israel] here.”^[103] This man is respected as a national Zionist, etc., he is wholeheartedly dedicated to his work and idealistic –^[104] but I didn’t discover in him what I am seeking, a sensitive man who understands my individualistic spirit, a man who knows and understands literature, in the deeper sense of these words. He is indeed^[105] honored in his other virtues, but I didn’t find this [that I was looking for] in him…. And I don’t have someone like that in Pryluky. Each time it seems to me that here I will find the kind of person I want – but I quickly realize my error. I have become acquainted with many youths and each time I thought: perhaps this one can become a sensitive friend for me, but in vain. That is what happened [print page 208] to my acquaintances with the young men^[105a] Levyatan, Petliyuk, Shimoni, Brakher (a student of the [Hebrew] Gymnasium105b in Jaffa who came here last week) etc. But I didn’t find a kindred spirit among them. And now they ask me why I don’t become acquainted with everyone, and why I don’t participate in the activities, and why I keep away from the whole group – and you go – and explain to them, that I feel like a stranger “in their company,” because I gain nothing from their company, and only a double measure of desolation and harsh irritation do they cast on my demanding, thirsty spirit. And even if I explain all this to them – will they understand? Would I not [107] just become a laughingstock?

I decided in recent days to send several of my poems to publish to editorial board of “HaAm” (The People) or to the monthly “Hayyenu” (Our Lives) which is due to appear in Moscow. Publishing my creative works is perhaps a grave sin on my part. For at first I was convinced that it was not worthwhile to publish, and as one who feels and write things, not for beauty or publication …. but writes because I feel a natural need to express on paper what fills the innermost depths of my heart – as a creator for the sake of natural, true creation – [therefore] I must not release and publish my creations such that that [other] hands will handle and profane them; everything that I write – is sacred to me, and there is no part for a stranger in it, – that’s what I believed at first, so why have I now decided to publish? – this is indeed an important question. This is nothing other than a curse of the most feeling and greatest poet, who hates the noise and the shouting of the rabble – he is sometimes compelled against his moral will, via some hidden impure force, to publish his works before those whom he always flees and whom he can’t stand… and this curse falls upon me too. Or perhaps it is an iron law of nature? And am I running after publicity? I know that a few individualistic poems will not bring me publicity. In general, only a few isolated individuals read them, and not everyone understands poems of this type. So what is it then?

[108] I won’t deny that there are many morally troubling aspects to this, that I haven’t yet fully considered, but one good and useful side for me and for my creative power, that I find in the fact I am thinking about publishing my works, and it is: the gaining of sensitive and understanding friends from among the circle of our [Hebrew] writers. For I know well, that in general society I can find friends only for walks and mere conversation – but a friend who gets me and truly understands me – I can’t find, but such friends can be found only among a circle of young writers and poets, and besides being able to become good friends for me, further they can also extend spiritual support to me, and through publishing my poems I think it will be possible to achieve this result.

During the last few days I received a Hebrew letter from Moshe; (last Friday), a postcard from Malcah from Kiev; from Shimon Berger who is already in Belgorod; from Baila daughter of Aharon Kimelman, in answer to the tiny letter I enclosed in my Hebrew letter to Zahava, because Zahava wrote me that I should write her [Baila], because she very much wants me to correspond with her. In her postcard, she sends me regards from Zahava and writes that she is very busy lately, and apparently this is the reason I haven’t received a letter from her for a long time. And for me, indeed, this is so hard, longing so much for her letters. I have loved her so much lately and my longings draw me so strongly towards her. Zahavali, Zahavali! And the memories of light and radiance from last year’s spring climb and intertwine in my mind –perhaps also the springtime of our love. – – – – –

__________

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Notes

[99a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak identifies the date as March 9, 1917 (on the Julian calendar) and the 28th of Adar on the Hebrew calendar. The 28th of Adar that year begins on the Gregorian calendar the evening of Wednesday, March 21 and ends at sundown Thursday, March 22nd. The ambiguity present in the previous two entries is here as well. The critical edition assumes Yitzhak means he wrote on Wednesday evening, March 21. I assume he meant he wrote Thursday night, March 22nd. The Julian date that Yitzhak gives here, Mar. 9, 1917, is the equivalent of Mar. 22nd on the Gregorian calendar. See notes to the entries for Mar. 20 and Mar. 13. [HS] ↩

[100] Motl Chizik, no details are known about him. [Translator’s comment:] Motl Tzizik (also called Mordechai Tzizik) is mentioned several times in the Mlynov-Mervits Memorial Book. Chizik taught Hebrew and Bible in Mlynov when Yitzhak was a boy and young man and was still teaching in 1940 according to several memories of him in the Memorial Book. Two of Chizik’s sons made aliyah, but the rest of the family perished in the Shoah. Chizik is credited with teaching most of the kids in town the basics of reading and writing Hebrew. He also taught Tanach, history of the people Israel, and Gemara. He is remembered as being a strict disciplinarian, who taught Bible by heart, and several of the writers in the memorial volume recall Yitzhak Lamdan being in their classes Chizik (pp. 88, 147, 181, 224). A photo of Motl Chizik and family appears on p. 439 of the memorial volume. [HS] ↩

[101] See notes about Feigelson above in this diary [Jan. 30, 1917], [Heb.] p. 185, note 57. ↩

[102] No details are known about her. ↩

[103] About this preparatory (hachshara) group “Land of Israel” see above in this diary page 185, note 157. ↩

[104] Idealistic meaning principled. ↩

[105] It is possible this Hebrew word ʾmnh has a typographical error and he intended to write the Hebrew word “indeed” (ʾmnm). Alternatively, he may have intentionally chose flowery language following the that same teaching in Genesis 20:12 [in which Abraham says to Abimelech] “And besides, she is in truth my sister, my father’s daughter though not my mother’s; and she became my wife.” ↩

[105a] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew has the singular “youth” but the context requires the plural. [HS] ↩

[105b] The Hebrew Gymnasium, later known as the Gymnasia Herzliya was founded in Jaffa in 1905 and was the first Hebrew high school. ↩

[106] This periodical wasn’t published in Moscow in those years. ↩

[107] Members of the Kimelman family lived in Lutsk close to Zahava Bortnik, Lamdan’s beloved. ↩

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***

[March 23, 1917] Sabbath Eve, Eve of the New Moon for [the month of] Nissan. Pryluky. [Friday, 29th of Adar, 5677]

Together with the spring that draws closer with its abundant radiance and the sounds of life, with the joy of life within it; together with the momentous events that are taking place now, and the public rallies and celebrations that surround them, together with the new horizons being revealed to our people and our [national] revival movement – what a difficult and heavy spirit rests on me, for reasons that are not clearly understood.

I have just returned from the large rally held here in the city in honor of the liberation of the country and its people that is taking place now. I found it difficult to be among the among the celebrating, clamorous, happy exuberant crowd. What is the meaning of my situation? Did the wounded Jewish-national, Zionist feeling within me have a hand in this? Is it the feeling within me, that every people is entering a period of revival, while the revival of our people still remains very much in doubt? Or is it my excessive individualism that is responsible? Tomorrow a large Zionist meeting is being organized. Of course I will go there. But I know that my presence at the assembly will leave me with sadness and grief. I will see all the falsehood and phoniness of so-called Zionists – so to speak – and “big shots” here . I know that thus in the company of these people – I cannot coexist with them. As long as Dr. Feigelson remains here, I hoped, perhaps, to be among the [Zionist] workers, whatever else may be said, [110] he stands out above all the local young men and women in his personality, understanding, and sensitivity. But now I know that next week he is leaving here for good, for the front, as a doctor. What a pity! What a pity!

Today too I received nothing from Zahava despite my great expectations.

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***

[March 26, 1917 NS] Monday, 3rd of [the month of Nisan]. Pryluky, March 13 [OS]

I intended to write last night, but it didn’t happen, and it’s a pity. I intended to write while still under the force of the impression which remained strong following the meeting that took place yesterday in the library. By the same token, I didn’t yet write about the general Zionist gathering that assembled at the end of the Sabbath (Saturday night) that I participated in.

In general, I can point out that I was completely satisfied by this gathering, because I saw that we still have something [i.e., Zionist] also in places that until now, and even now, where pure “Hebrew spirit” is still alien. Without entering into the details which are so antithetical to my spirit and which arouse strong resistance in the heart of every sensitive person – generally, this assembly made a nice impression on me as a first official Zionist gathering before many people, since the national idea remains unclear and obscure to them.

The chairman of the gathering was the Dr. Feigelson. In this gathering, I got to know him better, and I gained a more precise understanding of his spiritual character as a national Zionist. And from a better acquaintance, [111] it seems to me, I can say, that there are few individuals like him in our midst. This Hebrew [man] is enthusiastic, dedicated to the idea of [national] renewal with all his soul and his might, and this is the “end-all and be-all” of his present and future life, and despite the gentile surrounding in which he lived until now, and in which he still lives now – the pure Hebrew spirit governs him with all its force. He is devoted to the idea of revival and expresses this not just in thought and speech but also in action.

All the considerable progress made by the local youth circle in spreading Hebrew, Zionism, etc. – this entire progress was his doing or more correctly perhaps: only with his help did the local national association advance by great strides. The power of the ideal that fills his entire life stood out also in his speeches in this assembly, speeches that if indeed were a bit long, were distinguished by lofty, if not new, ideas, but new at least to the local Zionists, and especially they excelled by emanating beautifully from a warm and feeling Hebrew heart. But Mr. Feigelson is too extreme in his opinions, very extreme, and I don’t agree with some of his extreme opinions, but together with this it is necessary to acknowledge that this extremism comes to him from his deep devotion to the idea.

Much more was said, and many more speeches were delivered, mine included – and I regretted this afterwards, because I know that I am not endowed even a little with the talent of a speaker, and however rich my thoughts and feelings, they don’t find proper expression in speech, and all the more so [112] as a speech before those assembled.

In my speech, I wanted to illuminate my resistance to one of the opinions of Mr. F. [Feigelson] in his dividing Zionists into two camps, the positive and negative, and his deciding that only the former those putting down roots in the Land of Israel, in other words the good ones, they only are deserving of this description [as Zionists], while the Zionists in the Diaspora – are not worth of this description.

I also addressed the many criticisms of Zionism in general that were heard in the gathering during the time that this gathering ought, for the present, that is on this first occasion–to present itself as a demonstration, and furthermore: in this assembly many people participated who do not [212] yet know anything about the national idea, and they need to have it explained and taught to them. Yet here they heard criticisms upon criticisms concerning matters entirely unknown to them. They heard matters that ought to be discussed among activists who are informed and understand them and not before a new crowd coming for the first time to listen, learn and understand. And in general the [Zionist] activity here is not yet so extensive and varied as to require or be ready for criticisms such as these. This was the content of my short speech.

Here on paper I expressed it briefly, but with greater clarity and precision. But there at the assembly, I admit, I did not succeed, and what particularly spoiled matters was the fact that Dr. Feigelson needed to translate into Russian each and every sentence of mine that was said in Hebrew. As a result, my speech did not assume a completely unified form given the constant interruptions required by the translation. [113] The hour is late. I need [now] to hurry to the synagogue. I intend to finish the present entry at night or another time.

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***

[March 27, 1917 NS] Tuesday, 4th of [the month of] Nissan, Pryluky, March 14 [OS]

Even though I now have other matters to record, I want to finish the entry that I began yesterday at twilight.

This assembly lasted until 12 midnight (it began in the afternoon at 3-4 o’clock). There were several more speeches, songs were sung, and the mood was festive. This assembly, one might say, drew me a little closer to the local national work, whereas initially I decided not to become involved in it at all, for inner and personal reasons. So I wish to draw closer myself, to enter the circle of those working for the idea of our people’s renewal, that very idea that in the prior months I tried to criticize incessantly, and because of which I suffered so much; now without excessive inquiry and probing, without the criticism that lies ready to cut everything limb from limb – I want to seize hold of the idea of revival with all my strength and never let go, because only with its help, can I still look hopefully towards our people’s future. – and without it – I see only annihilation, destruction and degeneration to the very end – – – in order to distance myself from and become wary of [114] of such an outlook like this, which has the power to crush you completely – I want to devote myself completely to the idea of our people’s revival in the land of the ancestors, and I decided to take part in the local work, even if I encounter inner obstacles along this path. And what are these internal obstacles? – Truthfully, I will admit that I am one of those people whose self-respect is very dear and important to them, that is, it is not honor as such that matters so much to them; what is difficult and painful is when others come and belittle it. Here I see that the leading local workers regard themselves as far too “lofty,” “knowledgeable” and “expert,” and look down upon me, as though from on high – and how can I remain silent, when I know where, where – their erudition and expertise leads – [print page 213] how difficult and painful is the encounter when I realize how small I am in their eyes. Of course, when I enter their circle to work together, I am not able to avoid taking this into consideration, nor can I remain silent when I see that they do not think my opinion worthy of consideration, and they think that everything that they think and do – is good and right, when I understand perfectly well all the “good” and “right” in their actions. [115] But, despite this, I intend to join the group of workers; of course I will employ various means to show them that they must not continue treating me in the manner they so love, so that they realize my self-respect is precious to me, and let them not take me for some idle, good-for-nothing “teacher” (melamed). Still my honor lives, thank God!

There was also an interesting gathering on Sunday in the local library that began from 3 pm and continued until 9 pm in the evening. A gathering that left me satisfied. At this gathering, they discussed transferring the Hebrew books that are in the library [here] to the Zionist club, the Hoshea Association founded in Kiev.[108] There were very stormy discussions between the library’s elderly founders and the Zionists, but the Zionists’ request was denied, but there were after all some very good moments, in just ten minutes, about five-hundred rubles and many books were collected from the assembled crowd towards the foundation of a new Hebrew library. And the mood was very uplifting. Songs of revival and cries of jubilation were immediately heard, and so on. And even I was among those cheering. Even my heart was filled with a feeling of joy, and hope at the sight of the tender shoots of renewal among the young men and women in the Diaspora (golah). Yesterday morning all the nationally-oriented local young men and women accompanied Dr. Feigelson when he left here. We all assembled there at the railway station, and to make all those accompanying him identifiable, [117] we all put blue and white ribbons (the national colors) on our breasts. These were beautiful moments, This warm-hearted Hebrew took leave of us all with warm blessings, and we all stood around him with silence all around. And once he boarded the railway carriage, he stood facing us for a long while, his right hand raised beside his head (as a sign of blessing and farewell) until the railway carriage disappeared from sight, and it was pleasant to glance over the group of well-wishers adorned with blue and white ribbons, a company that is wholly ours, which is more or less completely devoted to the idea of revival. I am unable at present to recount all the details of these things, because suddenly a heavy mood descended on me.

Recent events have generally thrown my familiar “situation” [i.e., avoiding conscription] into some confusion. Already, the commanding officer announced that those who evaded military service will be pardoned if they report for duty by the first of the month.^[108a] And it is said those who do not report by then will severely punished. [print page 214] What am I to do? What measures should I take? I haven't received the package^[109] from Moshe and even if I receive it, it will no longer be able to help me very much, especially if the documents [of military exemption] are completely annulled (as they are now reporting in the newspapers) in which case only a birth certificate will be needed. So, what will be? I am thinking of writing to Father [requesting] he try to obtain my birth certificate, perhaps I will manage [117] to make the necessary corrections to it – – – this is the only way out.

All this caused me much sorrow and grief. I would like to consult with everyone, and write to everyone about it but, how aggravating, I don’t have even a kopeck in my pocket, and I have no money with which to buy postcards or stamps,^[110] and I don’t want to freeload off David.^[111] I’ve done enough of this already. This is so unpleasant for me, it sometimes seems to me (and perhaps this is true) that they look at me with disfavor… And so I must now wait until I receive my wage for teaching Manya Pomeranz, and then I will be able to write wherever I wish.

Over the past few days, there has been a certain cooling off in my love . Let me not cover this up; let me not conceal it from myself, even if mentioning it is considered a sin. Charming young women who attracted my attention in recent days dimmed the radiance of my Zahava a little... And indeed, there are several young women here who have the power to enchant you, and especially the recent one attracted my attention Saturday night at the assembly, a young Polish gymnasium, Zaychik, who is an exceedingly appealing and charming young woman. For many, many hours (and even now to some extent) her enchanting image would not leave my mind. And this cooled my love a little, and I pondered this a lot, I thought about this [118] a lot. So this is the strength of love that I once considered to be true, and how can I have trust others and others trust –me. Tomorrow I’ll meet another woman and what was case yesterday will be over and done. Yikes, how great the deceit and deception embedded in life! But can this really be called deceit and deception? Must one really place constraints upon pleasure, the pleasure of youth which is perhaps the only star in the darkness of life? And how should we spend our lives? What subject is more beautiful, inspiring, and heartening than youth, love affairs, betrayals, and the pleasures of youth? During these last few days, such enchanting images passed before me, and in their presence the fire of youth flared within me with all its force, with all its force the blood of youth bubbled in me, and called [me] to life, the life of youth! –––

But this does not mean, God forbid, that my love has cooled completely; I said “only a little,” but my beloved Zahava still lives and endures in my heart and every day, I longingly await [print page 215] her letter. I hope that tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, I will return once again to my mournful, powerful longings for her. For me, after all, the moment and the hour are what matter. Each day has its own sorrow. Yes, I am so fickle. Can I ever hold to a single line?! – –

~~~~~~~

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Notes

[108] Details are murky about this Zionist club. [Translator’s comment:] The name appears to be an acronym comprising the name of the prophet, “Hosea,” but the name of the association is not identified. [HS] ↩

[108a] [Translator’s comment:] This entry was written on March 14th OS / March 27 NS). The first of the month on the Julian calendar was 18 days away, roughly two and half weeks. April 1st on the Julian calendar was April 14th on the Gregorian calendar. This appears to have been a military-administrative measure associated with the Provisional Government’s effort to restore conscription after the revolution, rather than part of its better-known general political amnesty. The specific proclamation has not been identified. [HS] ↩

[109] The documents from Mlynov that in his possession will assist him to receive exemption from military service. ↩

[110] [Using the term] marke, German for stamps. ↩

[111] David Kotzki mentioned above on [Heb.] pages 190 and 197. [See Feb 15 and Feb 26, 1917]. ↩

***

[March 27 (or 28), 1917]^[111a] Tuesday or Wednesday night, 5th of Nissan [5677], Pryluky. 15/9-17 [OS]^[111b]

For several days now, I have found myself in a new state of mind; what new things are taking shape within me! New things? Just wait, a day or two will pass and upon the ruins of these new things, others will be built, and so on. Each time I encounter something new; I find myself holding to a different truth or idea. I wander and wander along the paths of my world, wandering and searching.

I have grown weary of the substance of my present life. I have begun to long for additional study. It is difficult for me to manage here as a teacher and, because of that, to be regarded by others as some sort of idler. Wherever I find myself, in whatever environment I find myself – I want them to treat me with the same regard shown to any friend or intimate acquaintance, with the regard that I deserve, and not appear in the eyes of others as a kind of idler with whom it is not worthwhile to converse, except about matters connected with teaching, and so forth. This deeply pains my heart. And I think about this a great deal; I brood over it.

I feel that a wide breach is developing in my love, which until now I considered so strong and secure. … The matter is not so clear, but I already sense it. Yesterday, I received two letters from her – letters of devotion and love – But I read them [120] in an entirely critical spirit, without that feeling, which at first, used to follow the anticipation. This is how I experience it. Other “sweethearts” pass before me and they blur the image of my beloved. And I am already beginning to analyze and criticize and to find all kinds of faults in her. And I think to myself, “And what about her? What does she excel in? And why should I continue to entangle myself with her in the future?” And other thoughts like that. What is this? What is going on with me? Can the influence of the few young women I have become acquainted with here – the gymnasium students (S. Tz., Sh. P.; Z.)– really be so strong? Let me see in the next few days how this matter unfolds.

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Notes

[111a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak says he is writing on the 5th of Nissan, which on the Gregorian calendar began Tuesday March 27, 1917, at sundown and continued until sundown, Wednesday March 28th. As in the previous entries, the critical edition assumes Yitzhak was using traditional Jewish concepts when he refers to writing at night. If so, he means he is writing on Tuesday night, which would be night of March 27th on the Gregorian calendar (March 14th on the Julian calendar). As discussed in the next note, Yitzhak seems to think the date is March 15th on the Julian calendar (=March 28th on the Gregorian calendar). To make him consistent, it seems more likely he is invoking secular calendar concepts (where night follows the day) and he is writing on Wednesday night (March 15, 1917 OS / March 28, 1917 NS). For similar ambiguities in his entries, see notes to entries on March 13 (note 92a), March 20 (note 93c), March 21 (note 99a). [HS]

[111b] [Translator’s comment:] The critical edition indicates that Yitzhak wrote 15/9-17 as the secular date in the European style format dd/m/yy. This was intended to be the date on Julian calendar, as is evident from several of the previous entries where Yitzhak he also added the Julian calendar date in the same style. Here, however, Yitzhak apparently made a mistake in the month. “9” would be September. But he was still writing in March 1917. He apparently meant 15/3/17 ( March 15, 1917 OS). That date on the Julian calendar was March 27, 1917, on the Gregorian calendar and the 5th of Nissan. [HS] ↩

***

[March 30, 1917 NS] Sabbath Eve, 7th of Nissan, March 17, [1917 OS], Pryluky

Just now I put my poem, “Even Before I Grew Weary,”^[112] in an envelope to send to the editorial office of “HaAm” [The People].^[112a] I made many corrections to it. I hesitated and sat with it for a long before sending the poem. In the end, the pure, sacred feeling – the true, individual feeling – was defeated, and the feeling of fakery and desire for recognition won out. The true feeling was desecrated. A pity! I regret it with all my heart. There were days that I thought that everything that I wrote, I wrote for myself, creation for creation’s sake, because I would not air my words in the wider world to be trampled by every foot and mouth… as grist for the mill [121] for distorted formulations and false interpretations. Everything that I will write – springs from my individualistic life, and there it will remain. So I thought, yet here I am beginning to send my writings to press thereby desecrating this pure thought of mine. Now I can no longer proclaim – even if my creative works are original and flow from the depths of my life and soul – that my creative work is free from all ulterior tendencies. No! By publishing this I am sinning greatly. I sat and wrote my poem. And what a heavy gloom came over me and continues even now. It is so hard for me.

And what urged me to do this? – Truthfully, I am unable to answer this [question]. I do not think that I am driven merely by a desire for publicity. But then for what? Is it because of the dismissive way they treat me here that I want to show all of them that I have a rich [inner] life, a wealth of thought, and not to dismiss me as they do?... Is that it? Possibly. And perhaps even more likely it is because of that which I already wrote in my earlier entries, – my desire to make a connection between myself and the young family of writers, – which would be very gratifying for me, after I became convinced that I cannot properly naturalize myself in ordinary society, … yes, it is very likely that many positive motives led me to this, but in any case, – I don’t want to put a favorable spin on my motives by emphasizing the positive sides of the matter. At this moment, I feel that I profaned something holy, that something in my world has been damaged. Yes, [122] this is how I feel now. Perhaps in the future my mind will change.

But I hardly believe that they will publish my poem at all. Perhaps it has flaws that my eye has not detected.

In response to the letter from my beloved Zahava, I replied in the meantime only with a short postcard. The new situation that has intruded upon my love is the reason I did not write her a letter… I find myself in a very uncertain state. I cannot say that I have ceased cherishing and loving her, [print page 216] her beloved images still hovers before my eyes, still as though promising… and at times that I sense a protest against such a betrayal in her pleading gaze… To say that I love her – as before – is also impossible for me, because what is this silent agitation in my heart these past few days, that agitation burrowing beneath the edifice of my love?... What is it?...

It is clear that something is amiss… thus, I cannot say one way or the other. Perhaps in the next few days my murky situation will become clearer. But be that as it may, I have not ended the relationship between us (even though last night I wrote the substance of a poem recounting the complete end of love I now feel less despondent) and it is still strong. After the Sabbath, I intend to write her a substantial letter. After all, she loves me so, and is so devoted to me, and is so dear. Will the few other young women that I have seen here [123] really dim Zahava’s glow?^[113] I am waiting impatiently for her to send me a photo of herself, perhaps this photo will serve as a kind of “safeguard” against all the “betrayals” and against the stumbling blocks so common and numerous along the path of youth – – – –

Last night the local teachers gathered to discuss founding a “teacher’s association” and to talk about all the issues relevant to the circumstances of teachers. I was among those assembled. But none of this could satisfy me. I feel that when I am immersed in teaching, the way people regard me will deteriorate still further, which pains me a great deal. They won’t look at me as a vital, aspiring young man, sensitive and involved in thought and deed in every aspect of life – but rather as some idler whose strength lies only in dry teaching, and not with vitality the way youth understand it… It is very difficult for me now, and a spirit of dejection rests upon me.

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Notes

[112] The poem didn’t survive. ↩

[112a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak first mentioned this literary weekly in his entry for Jan. 30 1917 (see note 54 for background). The weekly received a license to publish and managed to circumvent the Tsarist 1915 ban on the Hebrew press and began publication in November 1916 in Moscow, three months before the Revolution. The publication was bankrolled by the Russian Zionist organization and notable Zionist thinkers such as Max Nordau, Yitzhak Gruenbaum and Hebrew literary figures such as Hayyim Nahman Bialik published in the first issues. “Ha-‘Am,” The National Library of Israel. [HS] ↩

[113] “Zahava” [can be read] as her name or as “her golden” [glow] that lost its shine. ↩

***

April 1917

[April 1, 1917 NS] Sunday, 9th of [the month of] Nissan, 5676, Pryluky

It is difficult and distressing for me, and I sit now filled with grief. On Friday, I received a postcard from Malcah from Kiev, in which she writes indicating that this Wednesday she is traveling home (that is, to Novohrad-Volynsky), and she writes that I too am to go—no objections and no excuses, for if not for my own sake, then for the sake of my despondent father, I must do this: come to Kiev and from there we will travel together. She is quite right. When I think of our circumstances for the [Passover] festival^[114] – my heart my heart feels like it will shatter from all the grief. Far from the home of our birth, [124] orphans without a mother, the children scattered and wandering, each laden with personal troubles, living in want and poverty, and in the heart – memory of the radiant past and the hardship of the bitter present, and under such circumstances, we must celebrate the Passover festival, that traditional festival, whose festival days are saturated with all the family serenity, all of the idylls of [print page 218] patriarchal life, all the peace of my birthplace, and the feeling of spring – but now? Lord of the Universe, is there any sorrow greater than this? How terrible, how difficult, how the heart aches and languishes. Look, although this will not really ease the situation, still in any case, it will be more fitting if I go to Father for the Passover festival, and without thinking I would agree to this plan, but here is still an obstacle – how to travel when I nothing in hand?... In all honesty, I am angry with Moshe who before now hasn’t hurried to send me the needed papers [for evading conscription] – and as a result, I am now forced to remain in a foreign place (nēkār) during the festival, and I can’t travel to Father.^[114a]

From the day I received this postcard until now – I have been unable to find rest – and a downcast mood, a mood of sorrow and grief has poured over me and gives my aching heart no rest, while I torment my mind nonstop. What course can I take so that I can travel. What means can I employ to overcome my situation mentioned above? But what can be done? It is difficult, very difficult, and the heart being so distressed, so burdened, while outside signs of spring appear, the good sun shines [125] gives light and warmth, the snow and ice are melting, and rivulets of water flow quickly, their trickle so pleasant, the sound of their running so caressing, promising, evocative… Oh, my God! I am so distressed, and yet I so wish to rejoice in the joy of spring, and to sing the song of life, as long as I live, as long as the sun of my youth and adolescence has not completely set, as long as sparks of childhood still blaze within me; and yes I so want to enjoy its light, its radiance, – despite even the many shadows that have entered into the substance of my life. Indeed, I dwell on everything, the shadows too, and what comes after the light; in everything I find of interest, beauty, sorrow and food for the poetic soul, but the light captures my heart with all its strength, and I still long for it – and why is my heart so burdened even now, when the streams of sunlight spill all around?

The present life is difficult, the situation of our family is hard, and I, being, after all, the son of Father, and son of my dear mother, may peace rest upon her –the feeling for my family birthplace is still powerful in me – and in a difficult situation like this how can I forget everything and dissolve completely into the rays of light? And as long as I still see the last agonizing looks of my dying mother, and as long as I still feel the heart of my despondent widowed Father (may he be distinguished a long life) and hear the moan of his soul pouring forth from the sorrow over the hard life that has come upon him in his old age, and insofar as I still see the wrinkled face of my aunt, and feel [126] the terrible and difficult situation of my sister Hanza, and the situation of Malcah, – my God, my God, everything stands out in all its horror before me, – and how can the sun take me prisoner, all of me, all of me?...

Oh, how much I wanted to go to Zviahel [i.e, Novohrad Volinsky] for the Passover festival! How I wanted to? No! I do not want to, knowing how much I will suffer, how much sorrow and grief will saturate my heart on this journey, but despite this – I want to go, because I must go, because besides the main reason mentioned above there is another important and key reason for my journey: I already remarked several times in my recent entries how much I am concerned about my reputation being disparaged by others, and I feel much pain and sadness about this. Plainly not out of self-love, still it is hard for me when I know I am so and so, son of so and so, [print page 219] who until now has lived a normal life, in the social sense, [namely] in the home of his birth and in his town – who finds himself here on so low a rung, whereas he could occupy a higher rung in society than others.

In no way can I agree that this is egotism].^[114b] No and No! I don’t like to look upon myself [favorably], nor to cover over^[114c] my eyes from seeing things as they really are, and especially in the pages of my diary I always admit the truth, at every time and hour, but now I say again, that this is not egotism but rather a strong family feeling, a feeling of self-worth, of a wandering son in whom the glow of the family’s past still lives, and who in no way [127] can make peace with the difficult situation. In this manner it will be difficult to observe Passover here. In the end, they will look at me like as a wanderer and idler from birth (despite my being a “refugee”) who even celebrates the most precious festival in a foreign land, and this again will generate an unfriendly and unfeeling attitude… I don’t know whether it is really so, but that’s how it seems to me, and this impression causes me much pain and sorrow, much mental anguish.

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Notes

[114] The Passover festival was in another five days, on the eve of the following Sabbath. ↩

[114a] [Translator’s comment]: I added paragraph breaks, which are not in the original, to make this easier to read. [HS] ↩

[114b] [Translator’s comment]: The text has a closed bracket but no opening bracket. [HS] ↩

[114c] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew root here ṭûaḥ is a biblical term meaning to cover over, coat. See BDB p. 376. See also Isaiah 44:18 which uses a similar idiom as part of the famous prophetic satire mocking idol worship and may lie behind Yitzhak’s phrasing: “They have no wit or judgment: Their eyes are besmeared, and they see not…” Isaiah 44:18 formed part of the regular haftarah for Parashat Vayikra (Isaiah 43:21–44:23). Although Vayikra was read on Saturday, March 24, 1917 (1 Nisan 5677), that Sabbath was also Shabbat HaChodesh, whose special haftarah from Ezekiel would normally have replaced the regular Vayikra haftarah. [HS] ↩

[3] text text ↩

***

[April 8, 1917] Sunday, first of the intermediate days of Passover (Chol Hamoed Pesach), Novograd Volinsk, [16th of the month of Nissan,] 5677

Last Tuesday I traveled from Pryluky – homeward, that is to say, here, to Novograd Volinsk. The route was difficult and very tiring. I suffered for more than three days along the way. The crowding on the trains was just terrible. I caught a cold from the hardships along the way, and I felt myself utterly crushed. On the first night of the holiday [the first Seder night], I didn’t go to pray and I stayed in bed all night. I was also in Kiev, thinking that perhaps Malcah had not yet left and I would travel together with her. But by the time I arrived there, I didn’t find her and on Friday—the eve of Passover—I arrived here before noon.

When leaving Pryluky, I was certain, that immediately on the first day following the festival, I would return again to Pryluky, and therefore I left my most precious belongings there: my treasure of various writings and papers. [128] I also left a note for [my student] Manya Pomerantz in which I informed her that I was traveling home for the days of the festival, and I would return immediately, and I requested that she organize the entire future group that will study with me, so that I could begin teaching immediately after returning; I also left a list for “the teacher’s association” that was established (the night before I left there was a general gathering and the “teacher’s association” was established) on which I recorded all the information about myself necessary in order to arrange my work. And so, I prepared everything there, thinking that no doubt I would return there immediately after the festival. But then I arrived here, and a complete revolution took place in my thinking about how to arrange my future life. When I arrived here, I found here a letter from Moshe that was received a day before I arrived, and how great surprised I was by his decision: to enlist in the military, and he went on to clarify the reasons and justifications, because now he could not do otherwise, now at a time when complete freedom was granted to the Jews and equal rights as enjoyed by all other inhabitants of the land – now it is impossible to do otherwise. And furthermore [print page 22] this [reason] too: [regarding] the entire multitude of the “draft dodgers,” almost all of them intend to enlist in the military following the proclamation^[114d] that if those who dodged the draft come to a designated place before the first of April [April 14 NS] [129] they will be exempt from all punishment, and how can we possibly exempt ourselves from what others are doing? And thus, after all this, he reached the final decision to go enlist in the military, and he seeks counsel from Father.

After [reading] this, a similar revolution took place inside me. I now became convinced that I have almost no other option but to enlist in the military. I see that almost all “everyone in the same boat” reached this decision as one man and will follow through on it. Indeed, there is great danger in taking the other course, for, as far as one can surmise, they will employ various means to nab the “draft dodgers” after this – and the punishment will be very severe for one who is nabbed after this because besides bearing the label “deserter,”^[115] he will also be regarded as one of the admirers of the old regime. And there is another consideration as well: this certificate [for avoiding conscription] that I will be using will be valid only during the summer months. And when the war continues – what will I do after this?

Following this, my thoughts were in disarray, and at this point I don’t know if immediately following the festival I will return to Pryluky. I wrote to Moshe on the eve of the festival that he should come here, so that here we can consult and decide what to do.

In the meantime, – the situation is murky, and there is still no knowing how it will end.

The boredom here is very difficult. There is nothing to do. There is no one to spend time with. [130] There are no groups of young people engaged in any kind of activity here; there is no library to enter for an hour. There is nothing. And I ~~almost~~^[115a] long for Pryluky, for the company of our like-minded people and for the circle of nationalist-Zionist activists there in full ferment. Only one thing comforts me here: that I sit at Father’s table, though indeed in a foreign place, but be that as it may, it is still better and more pleasant here.

And even if a terrible painful sorrow attacks you, and your heart is ready to shatter into pieces when you see what has become of us: in a foreign place…with no birthplace. Mother – in a grave, and that traditional holiday that was so colorful and suffused with splendor in the home – how difficult to celebrate in such a situation – still something of the hometown warmth, of the idyllic serenity is still preserved in these rented rooms. Still the dear patriarchal father, still the dear aunt—suffuse everything with their presence [Heb. “their Shekhinah”^[115b]], a presence of tranquility and idyll.

________________

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Notes

[114d] [Translator’s comment:] On the significant rush of enlistment among Jews following the Provisional government’s abolished restrictions on Jews, see Petrovsky-Shtern, Jews in Russian Army, 264-265, and the patriotism and enlistment of Russian Jews in the early years of the War, 259-264. [HS] ↩

[115] The pronunciation of the word as written in Hebrew is close to “dissenter” (English: dissident, one who disagrees with the establishment); it may also represent the pronunciation of the Russian word is “dezertir,” meaning “deserter.” ↩

[115a] [Translator’s comment:] Normally, I don’t translate the strikeouts unless they appear significant. In this case, Yitzhak started to write “I almost longed….” Then corrected himself and scratched out the word “almost” indicating he definitely did long for Pryluky. [HS] ↩

[115b] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew term “Shekhinah” often refers to God’s immanent presence in the world and with the children of Israel. Yitzhak’s use of the term here to describe his father’s and aunt’s presence appears to add further theological overtones to this paragraph, symbolically linking his personal exile and his return to his father’s table with traditional imagery of the divine presence being restored to Israel [HS] ↩

***

[April 20, 1917 NS / (April 7, 1917 OS)] [Friday], Sabbath Eve, 28th of [the month of] Nissan, [5677], Novograd Volinsk

I am busy all the time and don’t have free time to devote even an hour to writing in the diary. Busy – not in work, perish the thought, but rather simply in the events of the moment. I run from place to place every day to listen to and converse about everything that now interests [131] everyone, and especially those of us who need to report to the military. From the first day after the Passover holiday – the heavy movement in the streets of the town has not stopped even for a moment. A great many men are coming to the town to report to the military, and they fill the streets. On Sunday [April 15 NS / (April 2 OS)], all the Baranivka men also arrived and among them was Moshe Ganis^[116] and Efraim Leibenson (a new acquaintance^[117]) and I am going about with them all the time. On Sunday evening, I traveled to Zhytomyr,^[118] in order to consult a doctor about my nearsightedness. I arrived there on Monday morning. And since the Christian holiday fell during those days, I didn’t have the opportunity to see any doctor, and only on Tuesday did I visit one female doctor, but to my disappointment, she didn’t want to finish “the examination” saying that I needed to be examined for about five hours, and due to the holiday^[118a] she didn’t want to continue the examination, and if I wished – then I should remain in town until the following day. I didn’t want to remain until the next day, because I wanted to reach here on Wednesday in the morning, by the hour set by the military authorities. Moshe Grinspun^[119a] also came with me and together we spend all the hours of the day in conversation and almost ceaseless walking.

In regards to my situation – I still do not know anything definitive. A new law was announced that draft evaders of military obligation [only] need to report by May 15th OS [May 28th NS], [and not in early April as previously indicated], and if I hadn’t registered in the first days, I would be able to take advantage of this dispensation, [132] but since I registered already – I am uncertain whether I can delay [reporting] past the [originally] appointed date, and apparently I need to report to the military in the coming days.

I very much regret that I left the most precious of my belongings – the treasure of my writings and papers^[120] in Pryluky, and now I don’t know how to retrieve them from there. It seems to me as if half my soul is here, and the other half – is still in Pryluky...Last week, I sent a letter to [David] Kotzki^[121] and requested that he protect my possessions until I write to him about what to do with them. I also sent a letter to Zahava, my dear, and explained to her in detail the revolution that occurred [print page 221] in my external circumstances. The stamp of love was already more evident on this letter than the others, especially those [written] during those days—also lately in general—my feelings of love for her had grown stronger and my longings seized me. I asked that she immediately send me her photo. Yesterday, Moshe Grinspun, Moshe Ganis and Ephraim Leibenson and I went to the photographer to be photographed.

As a result of the constant tumult around me, my inner spiritual world froze, and I lack the silence^[121a] in which to hear the murmuring of my creative power and its knocking.

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Notes

[116] A friend of Lamdan mentioned above [Heb. page 174, 189) [see Dec. 28, 1916, and Feb. 11, 1917]. ↩

[117] No details are known about him. ↩

[118] Zhytomyr, the capital city in the district of Zhytomyr in the geographic region of Volyn, Ukraine, about 120 km (74 m) southeast from Novohrad Volinskyi. [Translator’s comment:] On contemporary maps, the distance appears to be 87 km (54 m). [HS] ↩

[118a] [Translator’s comment:] In the Eastern Orthodox tradition, Easter fell on Sunday, April 2 OS / April 15 NS. Yitzhak saw the doctor on Monday, April 16 NS, a day after the Easter celebration. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, Easter is followed by the religious observances of Bright Monday, a period of celebration with special liturgies, processions and paschal greetings. [HS] ↩

[119] Moshe Grinspun, a good friend of Lamdan. See more about him in Diary 1, page 19, note 31. [Translator’s comment]: In the entry from July 22, 1914, Yitzhak describes Moshe as a Zionist friend who visited in Mlynov. [HS] ↩

[120] [All his writings were left behind] besides this diary which was not separated from him even for this short journey. ↩

[121] His friend David Kotzki, whose arrival in Pryluky was discussed above, [Heb.] p. 110 [see Feb. 15, 1917]. ↩

[121a] [Translator’s comment:] The use of the Hebrew term “dəmāmâ” (silence) may have resonances here with the story of Elijah hearing the divine “still small whisper (dəmāmâ)” in 1 Kings 19:12. Though the connection is neither explicit nor certain, it may suggest that Yitzhak conceives of poetic inspiration in terms analogous to divine inspiration. ↩

***

[133]

[April 25, 1917 NS / (April 12 OS)] Wednesday, 3rd of [the month of] Iyyar, Novograd Volinski

So far I haven’t yet been examined, nor have I yet reported to the military. Initially, I regretted registering in the first days before the first of April [OS] with the military authorities (the voennye)^[122] when those who had not registered could still postpone the day of their examination for military duty. But now I realize that this regret was unnecessary, because as things stand – it is not possible for me to be examined here, because a law was published from the local military “camp” indicating that everyone who belongs to a different district who wishes to report to the military here in the city, needs to present his certificate,^[122a] and anyone who doesn’t have a certificate, cannot be evaluated here. Thus, since I too have no document attesting to identity and personal details, there is still time to spare. I am considering presenting myself for examination in Zhytomyr^[123] provided this law is not in force there. I await information from Moshe Grinspun on this matter. He traveled from here yesterday near evening, and I miss him very much — when he was here with me, we were in good spirits together and spent most of these days of inactivity in various conversations.

This is the second day I am wearing glasses. Who knows, perhaps this will help me…even though my hope [to be exempted] waned substantially. In all honesty if, God forbid, I am inducted into the military, it would not be such a great disaster, especially under the present circumstances. [134] The day before yesterday I had a surprising encounter. When I was walking in the street with Moshe Grinspun, I encountered Aharon from Rervitz.^[124] I immediately approached him and asked about the wellbeing of each and every person in Lutsk, and yesterday I gave him two letters, one to deliver to his sons, and the second – for Zahava. The letter for Zahava was short and lacking in substance, because after my previous letter to her, I didn’t have much to add, and I await her reply [print page 222] impatiently. I am eagerly awaiting [my brother^[124a]] Moshe’s arrival. By now, I want to see him and discuss everything with him.

I wanted now to record some of my reflections from recent days: the freeze that overtook my creative power following these days of inactivity and tumult, and my sorrow about the voice of prophecy and the poetry that has now fallen silent. But all this I intend to record in the next entry, but now I don’t feel up to it.

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Notes

[122] [Yitzhak wrote the term] in Russian lettering meaning “military administration.” ↩

[122a] The Hebrew term təʿûdâ can refer to a document, a certificate, or identity papers. An 1874 Russian Statute on Military Service indicates that men appearing for conscription outside their registered district were required to provide documentation establishing their conscription district affiliation. Russian source text reproduced by the National Research University Higher School of Economics (HSE University) / Nizhny Novgorod campus. Translated by ChatGPT. ↩

[123] Zhytomyr: [Here the Hebrew qamats vowel appears under the tet]. In standard Yiddish orthography, it would be placed under the following aleph, though Lamdan normally dots the preceding letter. ↩

[124] Rervitz, the village of Hryhorovychi in Western Ukraine, located about 25 km (16 m) southwest of Lutsk and about 5 km (3 mi) northeast of Hubyn (Hubyn Pershyi). [Translator’s comment:] Aharon from Rervitz was the man whom Yitzhak and Moshe met in Lutsk as they planned to leave and who took some of their belongings on his wagon for them as they walked to Hubyn (Oct. 8, 1915). They then saw him subsequently as they were making their way along the road and also took a break in his home (Oct 13, 1915). [HS] ↩

[124a] [Translator’s comment:] Yitzhak says only that he is eagerly awaiting Moshe’s arrival. He is very likely referring to his brother Moshe, not to Moshe Grinspun returning from Zhytomyr. When referring to his brother, Yitzhak generally calls him simply “Moshe,” whereas he regularly includes a surname when referring to other people named Moshe, such as Moshe Grinspun and Moshe Ganis. Moreover, in his diary entry from April 8, after reading his brother’s letter, he wrote to him requesting he come to Novohrad Volinskyi so they could consult about military service. He appears to be eagerly awaiting his arrival. Were Yitzhak referring to Moshe Grinspun here, one might expect him to say something like he is awaiting “his return.” [HS] ↩

***

[May 2, 1917 NS] Wednesday, 10th of [the month of] Iyyar, 5677. Novograd Volinsk, 4/19/17 [OS]

About a week has already passed since I wrote anything in my diary, and a time actually when every day provided me with enough material for my diary. However, as if just to spite me, I had no opportunity to do so, simply because I had no free time. And I am not engaged, God forbid, in important or serious matters [135] but rather in simple work: making cigarettes! Last Friday a soldier came to us, gave us tobacco and cigarette tubes (papirosy)^[124b] and requested cigarettes be made for him. I wasn’t at home then, but they accepted everything from him on the assumption that I would be the one doing this work, and I have been occupied with this work all week and wasn’t able to write anything [in my diary] because of it. This work is now completed, and from today I intend to write frequently in my diary, because in recent days I feel different stirrings in my soul all the time, and different various reflections are taking shape within me – and all this needs to find its echo and reflection in the pages of my diary.

On the Sabbath day, I received a postcard from [David] Kotski, in response to the letter which I had written him during the intermediate days of Passover (Chol HaMoed) (see April 20, 1917). It was an empathic postcard filled with sincere and pure sympathy for my present difficult situation, along with a warm blessing. He didn’t write anything about his health, and I thought to myself that he had certainly already recovered, but then yesterday a postcard arrived from my sister, Riba, in Kiev, in which she indicated that the condition of Kotski is very serious, and that he is already in Kiev now, where the doctors ordered him to be immediately to [the warm climate of] Crimea, which costs an enormous sum that [his father] Avraham^[125] cannot afford. This news depressed me a great deal. I fear greatly for the wellbeing of this beloved and heartwarming friend.

[136] May he have a speedy and complete recovery!

Before we received this postcard from Riba, I wrote a long letter to him, and among other things, I requested that he kindly hurry and send me all my belongings here. If I had known [print page 224] about his poor condition, I would never have written such a letter, and now, in any case, my things won’t be sent to me from there.

Finally on Sunday morning, after my prolonged anticipation, I received a registered letter (zakaznoye^[126]) from Zahava, my beloved. When I received the letter, I thought for sure that her photo was also in it, but upon opening it, I realized that there was nothing there but the letter itself, which also gave me no small pleasure with the warmth of love and dedication bursting forth from every single line in it, with the beating of the loving heart resounding from each and every word. Here, for example, are a few phrases: “ …my entire consolation was in my remembering that I had a free Yitzhak, not in war, and now even this they want to take away from me. Oh! How am I able to bear so much?” But if I wanted to substantiate what I said above – I would indeed need to copy the whole letter. Can just this excerpt, or even a second one, really validate this? The whole letter is filled with sadness and grief, and with empathy born of pure sorrow over my present situation… [137] and it seems to me that I will not be exaggerating^[126a] when I say that the devotion of Zahavali to me is not the devotion of a girl to a boy or a young man to a young woman… rather, that is, it is not because she feels close to me as a young man who has found favor in her eyes, and because of this she does all the flirting and familiar smooth talk that come from the source of the womanhood in her, and not from the source of pure love in her heart – No! Hers is not a devotion like this; it is a devotion of a faithful sister loving with all her soul and all her might, who trembles for her beloved with every fiber of her body and soul, and when he is in distress, her heart aches with a terrible, pinching pain that arises spontaneously — —

Does it just seem this way to me? Or am I only imagining this? Who can fathom the human spirit?^[127] ... But it seems to me that I don’t exaggerate, and further, why should I be suspicious of the sincerity and devotion of my beloved? In any case, she is more completely in love with me than I am [with her] (even though I am very far removed from her innermost life) and many entries in this “daily of mine” (i.e. my diary) – will prove it … however, these few isolated shadows cannot in the end dim at all the brilliance (zohar) of my love in general, which every time shows how great its power still is… and even in the recent days, I feel how strong the thread stretching from my heart to hers still are, how strong and firm is the connection between us. Hidden, powerful longings for her seize me, and I often think of her [138] while awake…and as I think of her, a multitude of memories from days past surround me, from the days I found myself [print page 224] near her, and each one shining (mazhîr) with its unique hue, and each brilliant in its radiance (ṣōharô),^[127a] and many visions of the future, various fantasy images spring up unbidden before me. Yes, such are the chronicles of adolescent love. It is all the same whether the course of this history is known to me or not, whether its beginning and its end are known to me, etc. etc. – it is all the same, with all my knowledge and all my probing into the depths of all this [subject] – I am not the one who surrounds (hassibbâ)^[127b] but rather the one being surrounded (hamməsôbāb), I am not the one leading and guiding, but rather the one being led, the one being led by the hands of that same hidden life force that rules us, despite our excessive sophistry…

And my love is indeed almost like all youthful loves in its unfolding, imaginings, its fantasies, and its dreams, and being innocent and filled only with light, without the awareness of any shadow or doubt, even though the dark shadows, the familiar decay, and darkness of reality are very, very well known and visible to me ... – –

The day before yesterday, I answered my sweetheart’s letter in which I wrote about many things, and especially, I greatly encouraged her to study, to read, to write, to accumulate knowledge, and I presented her with a complete program [139] for this. I also made several remarks to her about language and style that would be useful to her. Going forward from today, I will try in each and every letter to teach her something about science and life, to answer her various important questions, and to illuminate and clarify for her many matters that she does not understand, etc. In particular I will try to limit the words of love and flattery, and extravagances of love that it proper not to express in letters when they usher forth from the depths of my heart – – – and I will try [to ensure], that the contents of my letters more like letters between friends, more serious, and concerned with different subjects – and they will not be full of love, love and love. Of course, there will be many places in my letters that testify to my love for her, words that I can’t withhold when writing to her, and that I also need to write, because in the end, since her innocent and loving heart is as analytical and probing as my heart in such matters, and she looks for some warm word, intimate and encouraging, and surely I will sin if I deny her this joy, joy of love letters, which according to her, is the only joy in her present life.

My general mood in recent days has not been bad, and for the most part has been mostly comfortable. I experience a powerful, youthful stirring within me. The forces of youth and life within me repeatedly reveal how strong their strength is still, and despite the different external and internal pressures [140] that weigh upon them and cover them, they still have the power to burst forth at an opportune moment… there is still much boiling material mixed into the blood of my youth, that frequently warms them and brings them to a boil – – – [print page 226]

It is good that no other eye has delved into the entries of my diary, otherwise on reading these things, they might think that indeed, I sometimes enjoy a good time in the company of the fairer sex in conversations outings, etc. — that is what they would think. But woe to my youthful blood and youthful stirrings… what in others is so routine and constant, I refer to in myself a “boiling of my youthful blood,” “bursting forth,” and so on … but what do I truly know of youthful life and youthful pleasures?... since all of the inner stirrings that occurring within me (and which I testify to all the time as if they truly leave behind an actual mark on my life) – indeed, they are only thoughts in secret – but as to the deed – yes I am so alone, so alone, and almost… miserable – – –

The days of spring for the most part pass with cold wind and cold air, but there are also clear and warm days that bring a special warmth to the heart as well. When I go outside and absorb the light inside me and hear the trilling songs of the birds singing in the garden behind our apartment, hear the [141] ravens; see the blue canopy of heavens with whitish clouds piled up upon it, a quiver passes over my heart strings – and the melody of quenching dew and vitality, a myriad of echoes and sounds pouring from my heart, and I yearn, yearn, long and lust… a pity, that some notes from the melody of my heart still do not find expression in the written lines. Meanwhile, for various reasons, I have not yet taken up the pen in hand for this [purpose]. Perhaps in the coming days I will try to make a start on it.

In recent days I heard that they are planning to publish new Hebrew newspapers, and also “HaShiloach” will begin to appear again, all of this^[128] gladdens my heart a great deal. Because lately, a time when the voice of freedom is heard in our land, and permission is granted to the Hebrew word to make its voice heard, – my heart ached greatly at the forsaken and desolate state of Hebrew literature. Some paltry weekly newspaper is being published that includes literature, science, and questions of the day, and as for questions of the day,^[129] one can still find something there, but for literature–it is unnecessary to comment [because there is so little or so impoverished]… and my heart aches: desolation, ruin—there is no platform, no corner for the meager band of our poets and writers who have [142] something to express, and there is no place, nothing at all. Now, in hearing about different plans for important literary institutes, my heart rejoices greatly. May we be fortunate to see it all soon brought to life. In these recent days, I realized just how much [print page 226] I am devoted and drawn to literature, to art “for its own sake”. Despite my well-known dispassionate “analyses” that attempt to view matters from both sides, and that recognize “the absurdity” of it all, limits of comprehension, and the endless abyss, and even in this field called literature – nonetheless I gravitate to it naturally, instinctually; all kinds of logical investigations and different analyses cannot stand in the way…

Read the interpretive summary or return to the top of the page .

Notes

[124b] [Translator's comment:] Yitzhak's description appears to reflect Russian-style cigarettes (papirosy) common at the time in which empty tubes were filled with tobacco. [HS] ↩

[125] Father of David Kotzki. ↩

[126] [Yitzhak wrote a word] in Russian meaning a registered letter. ↩

[126a] [Translator’s comment:] The Hebrew stem gzm in the qal verbal form means “to cut” or “prune” but in this context Yitzhak seems to mean “exaggerate.” That meaning is already attested in rabbinic usage including the noun guzma, “exaggeration,” in B. Bava Metzia 104b. [HS] ↩

[127] An allusion to the poem of Yehuda Leib Gordon, Between Two Lions: “Who has formed the spirit of man, or tested the heart of man / Even in its final moments, over the edge of a grave / Those who reject hope will not abandon him yet!” (The Complete Poems of Yehuda Leib Gordon, Vilna: M. Katzenellenbogen, 5665 [1904-1905], Volume 2, book 3, Ballads: Korot Yamim Rishonim, Symbol 80). In Yalag’s poem [Yehuda Leib Gordon] this was a paraphrase of Isaiah 40:13: “Who has fathomed the mind of God?”
[Translator’s comment:] Yehuda Leib Gordon (1830-1892) (also known by his Hebrew acronym, Yalag) was considered one of the most important Hebrew poets of the Jewish Enlightenment (Haskalah), and an advocate of modernization, secular education and social reform of Eastern European Jewish life. It is unclear how much of Lamdan’s apparent echo of Gordon was intended to evoke the larger themes of the poem "Between Two Lions," or how aware he was of Gordon’s later views favoring Jewish emigration to the United States rather than Palestine or his ideological disagreements with Moshe Leib Lilienblum, an important figure in the Love of Zion (Hibbat Zion) movement. The apparent echo is also a reminder of the continuing influence of Haskalah literature on young Zionist Hebrew writers, despite significant ideological differences between the generations. [HS] ↩

[127a] Translator’s comment:] Throughout this paragraph, Lamdan uses language playing on the name of his sweetheart, Zahava, and evoking images of light. [HS] ↩

[127b] [Translator’s comment:] In this paragraph, Lamdan plays on forms of the Hebrew root sāvav (“to turn, to surround”) and the related noun sibbāh (“cause, reason”). He is not the “cause” of love, nor the one who surrounds his beloved, but rather the one who is surrounded and acted upon. The wordplay describes his relationship to Zahava while also carrying philosophical, and perhaps theological, resonances: despite all his efforts to probe the depths of love, he is ultimately moved by a hidden life force greater than himself. [HS] ↩

[128] The first poem of Lamdan, “My Way,” was published in HaShiloach 35 (Av 5678-Tevet 5679), p. 313 [Sept. 17, 1917 – Oct. 6, 1918]. Lamdan received the issue only during the time of his stay in Berestechko. On the arrival of the issue to Lamdan see the essay of Tzvi Perach-Kwitni, “Yitzhak Lamdan, z"l, and Berestechko,” in There Was A Small Town..., 443-444 [431 in other editions]. The poem is stamped Odessa, Tammuz, 5678 [June-July 1918]. In other words, the poem was written a year after the failed attempts to publish the first fruits of his pen in the newspaper of Y. Klausner. ↩

[129] [Referring to] the newspaper HaAm [The People] mentioned above in his words, that was published in Moscow. Its slogan changed in the beginning of this years: “A Literary and Opinion Weekly,” and afterwards “A weekly for Literature, the issues of the day, and matters concerning the Land of Israel.” ↩

***

[May 8, 1917 NS] Tuesday, 16th of [the month of] Iyyar, Novograd Volinsk, 4/25/17 [OS]

I have been busy all this time: in recent days I have been participating actively in the local Zionist work. Naturally, I joined the circle of Zionist activists. In the depths of my heart, an inner voice calls to me: "Work for the revival of your people, oppressed, weak and torn to pieces. Its hour has now come, too, to awaken and return to its former state and greatness on its historic land." And this feeling possesses tremendous power. And if there are hidden corners [143] in the heart, there other opinions and thoughts will nest: "There are no peoples; no nations; all people are equal" - the Internationale!!!^[129a] And, truly, I listen to this voice as well and try to discern it well, but it cannot hold a substantial place in my world, despite all these things.

Judaism and the idea of revival have saturated my blood and veins too much…, and the contemptible and servile appearance of our people in the dispersion of its exile stands too prominently before my eyes, for me to also ascribe value to this [ideology of socialism]. And there is another reason.

I treat with respect, and bend the knee before, the pure and true socialist idea, but at the same time, as a man who does not love monotony, as a man of feeling and imagination who loves the profusion of colors in everything and longs for new things and significant multifaceted activities - this idea [of socialism] cannot satisfy my spirit... the more hues in the panorama, the more beautiful it is, the general life of the world will take on a more beautiful and interesting form if it is many hued, and the multiplicity of nations and the different activities of each in its own sphere can introduce this multiplicity of hues into life, and together this [variety] will be consolidated into a magnificent panorama of all humanity, and a sublime harmony [144].

Furthermore, I have many facts that compel acceptance of the national idea, and they are: the origin of race, which cannot be annihilated, the influence of climate, the conditions of the land, antisemitism, but I won’t elaborate on this now, but will write about more personal, individual matters whose imprint is recognizable now in my inner life. In my previous entry when writing several things concerning my love, I wrote among other things as follows: “these few isolated shadows cannot in the end dim the brilliance (zohar) of my love in general, which every time shows how great its power still is” – but these isolated shadows keep appearing, and they too try to display their strength and try to dim the brilliance of my love… I wrote the previous entry at a time when there was no room in me for shadows like these, and only [print page 228] the brilliance of love ruled inside me, and therefore that entry was so full of love and devotion, but alas! [Russian uvy!], this time I write the present entry when the shadows like these appear inside me (or perhaps glimmers of light?...) without expecting this, or desiring this, I recognized it… [145] this is what happened: it happened like this: one night last week (I don’t remember which night it was exactly) I left the Zionist bureau^[130] and bumped into Malcah and Gitel strolling together. Malcah hurried home, and so she asked me to accompany Gitel to her store; of course, I could not do otherwise, and I walked together with her to her store. When I entered the store, some young woman was standing there, who, judging by her appearance, was dressed as a gymnasium student, and she was drinking water. Gitel extended her hand to her in greeting, since she had long been among her close acquaintances in Baranovka. At Gitel’s suggestion, she introduced herself to me and at first glance I paid no attention to her at all(*. While I was standing in the store, she turned to me and asked if I was the person who had been in Baranovka, and she told me she had seen me there. When we left the store, Gitel asked me to accompany this young woman home. Obviously, I could not… [Lamdan breaks off writing here to enter the parenthetical comment below and then picks up where he left off]

* By the way, I will comment on this interesting observation: that all those "angels" (lit. "fairies") that charmed me during the days of my adolescence and who left an impression in my heart for a shorter or longer duration – at first glance I paid no attention to them and found nothing charming or captivating about them... and only afterwards was I convinced of this [their charm], and particulary those I found appealing based on appearance, so it was with Zahava, H. W. [Hinda Weitz?] , S. Tz-tz. [S. Tzitzik?]. And moreover, particularly in the case of those whom I found attractive at first glance, though this is difficult for me to remember, after several days or even hours, they completely lost their appeal and I paid them no further attention. This phenomenon is very interesting and perhaps I will return further to clarify it sometime.

[146] [continuing the sentence that broke off before the parenthetical comment “Obviously, I could not…” ] shirk this obligation, and I walked together with her. Along the way, a conversation developed between us. I responded to her various questions and told her where I had been, why I was staying now in Novograd, and about my thoughts for the future. When we reached her apartment – she asked me to come into her room, sit with her a while and talk, and I granted her wish. I sat with her about an hour or two, and we talked about various matters; she listened attentively to my words and took an interest in our conversation. When I left, she accompanied me to the door and asked me to visit her again. I promised her I would come, because when we were talking, she succeeded in capturing my attention… The following day or the day after, Gitel told me that the young woman had visited her (Tzatzkis from Baranovka who was studying here in the gymnasium) and told her about our conversation and said that she liked me very much and asked her what I thought about her. Is it true that I stole her heart? But be that as it may, the incident left an impression on me. On the Sabbath day [print page 228] I wandered through the streets around where her apartment was located, in order to identify the building, so I could visit her that evening. On my way back, I found the building, encountered her, and greeted her. She was visibly moved and blushed, [147] whether because of the encounter or not, I don’t know. That evening I went by her place, but did not find her at home. But I could not stop thinking about her and I searched for an opportune time, or some pretext, to meet her or to visit her at home. Yesterday, during the day, amid preparations for the Zionist meeting planned for that evening, when I was helping out, along with others, in the preparation and distribution of the announcements, I decided to go to her, invite her to come to meeting place, and while I was at it, to chat with her a little. And that’s what I did. But this time too, when I reached her building yesterday afternoon, I didn’t find her there, but a few hours later, I encountered her in the street by the Zionist bureau. She quickly passed by. We greeted one another, but I didn’t succeed in halting her or suggesting that she come to the meeting place. I called out to her, but she didn’t hear and continued on her way. After she had gone a short distance, she turned back, whether to meet me again or not, I don’t know. This time I did manage to stop her, and suggested she should come to the meeting, and I told her that I had already been by her building two times and did not find her. She thanked me, and we shook hands and parted. In the evening, I went to say afternoon and evening prayers [Minha-Maariv] at the Chernobyl house of prayer [kloyz]^[131] where the Zionist meeting needed to be held [148] after evening prayers. When people began gathering, but still before the meeting start time, she also arrived. She approached me straight away. I suggested we go a bit outside to stroll since the meeting wasn’t going to start immediately. She willingly agreed to my suggestion, and we went outside (this time the preparation for the meeting of Zionists didn’t hinder me…). We strolled for a while and chatted about various things. Afterwards we entered. During the entire meeting, we stood side by side, like brother and sister, and we gabbed frequently. Our conversation already had taken on a tone of friendship. And as for the impression this young woman made on me (whom I also call “sweetheart” in that familiar sense in which I use the term, when speaking about this type of young woman). It is clear to me that were it not for me, she would have left the meeting in the middle, and only because I was there with her did she wait until it ended. so that I could be with her, she would have totally smiled. By the way: Malcah has already remarked to me several times that she (that is, Tzatzkis) has truly “fallen in love” with me, and does not stop talking about me – – –

After the meeting ended and we walked to her home, we parted. I asked her when I could find her home today and she answered that she will home all day and evening. She asked me to visit, and I intend to visit her for a while this evening. – – – [149] So that is how things stand. And when I ask myself: what is this?... – I become embarrassed. All this teaches me this following principle about my life: my youthful feelings are still so fresh, so demanding and bursting forth, and don’t let me put [print page 230] the yoke of “monogamy” on them yet – and every young charming “sweatheart” steals my heart… Is that so?...And Zahava? … And my love for her? And I am embarrassed: after all, in the end, I love also Zahava – – – Thus, the shadows appear all the time and try to darken the radiance (zohar) of the gold (Zahava) – – – Shadows? Are these “sweethearts” really shadows and not glimmers of light? … But all these embellishments of the soul and all pangs of regret, do not have the strength to restrain my youth from demanding life, and the impression of my latest “sweetheart” is still alive in my heart, and as long as she remains in town (she is soon returning home to Baranovka) I will try to be in frequent and close relations with her.

On the basis of everything mentioned above, about the shadows and light of my love, etc., I wrote one poem today that was not properly finished nor adequately refined. In that poem called “From Afar,”^[132] I call to my love: “Come, hurry because my love is endangered! [150] I recount to her that when she is so far from me, there are many [young women] close […] to me, who lay nets for my feet, and I can’t escape […] their eyes, because my longings for her alone are not enough to satisfy my youthful feelings that demand life […] “on love without a beloved,” and so, in this way, my love is endangered, and I am caught between the straits (bein ha-metzarim): on the one hand, it is difficult for me to desecrate love, and on the other hand, I sin against myself, by allowing my youthful feelings to wither without the pleasures of life – and it is hard for me. These days, this is indeed my psychology these days regarding this matter. If I refine my poem properly – perhaps I will again return to speak about it.

On Friday morning Moshe arrived and on Sunday evening, he traveled from here to Rovno^[133] and and from there to Dubna,^[134] to be examined [by the military]. Due to the widespread rumors that they are arresting everyone who doesn’t have a certificate, I hurried today to the “military camp,” and was registered among those who need to be examined tomorrow. And so, tomorrow I present myself to the military.^[135]

Yesterday, I added several more lines to my poem “ […] ^[136]

Read the interpretive summary or return to the top of the page . interpretive summary or return to the top of the page .

Notes

[129a] [Translator’s comment:] “The Internationale” is an anthem of the socialist movement since the late 19th century which calls for the global working class to overthrow oppressive rulers and dissolve national borders in favor of a unified, borderless world. [HS] ↩

[130] “Bureau” in Slavic and Yiddish languages, meaning [in Hebrew]: office, bureau ↩

[131] The Chernobyl Kloyz, a synagogue and house of study of those who left the city Chernobyl which is in the district of Kiev, in northern Ukraine, close to the border with Belarus. [Translator’s comment:] Online sources from the Center for Jewish Art of the Hebrew University indicate the synagogue of the Chernobyl Hasidim was built in Novohrad Volinskyi in 1883 and the building is still standing. [HS] ↩

[132] The poem didn’t survive. ↩

[133] Rovno, the city Rovno, capital of the Rovno district, in the region of Volyn, northwest Ukraine, about 100 km (62 m) west of Novohrad Volinskyi. ↩

[134] Dubna or Dubno is a city in the district of Rovno (south of the city of Rovno) in the region of Volyn, in northwest Ukraine, located on the banks of the Ikva River. [Translator’s comment:] Dubno was within walking distance of Yitzhak’s hometown of Mlynov and thus his brother was returning to their home territory. Why Yitzhak is not going with him is unclear. [HS] ↩

[135] This is the second registration that Lamdan is about to undergo, even though there is no real evidence that he went through with it. In his entire diary, there is no evidence whatsoever or any indication of military service. ↩

[136] The name of the poem is effaced and unreadable, as is the line beneath it in this column. The folded pages that served as the cover of the notebook are also missing, including the beginning of this diary. ↩

***

Translated by Howard I. Schwartz
Updated: March 2026
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The Diary of Yitzhak Lamdan (A Translation)

Translation of Diary 3 (November 1916 – May 1917)

Diary 3 (January – May 1917)

January 1917

[January 8, 1917] Monday, 15th [should be: 14th] of [the month of] Tevet, 5677, Baranovka

Notes

[January 10, 1917] Wednesday, 17th [should be the 16th] of [the month of] Tevet [5677], Baranovka

Notes

[January 16, 1917], Tuesday, 23rd [should be 22nd] of [month of] Tevet, 5777, Baranovka

Notes

[January 30, 1917] Tuesday, [7th[51] of the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky[52]

Notes

February 1917

[February 11, 1917] Sunday, 20th [should be 19th of the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky

Notes

[February 12, 1917] Monday, 21st [should be 20th] [of the month of] Shevat [5677], Pryluky

Notes

[February 15, 1917] Thursday, 24th [Should be 23rd] of [the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky

Notes

[February 21, 1917] Wednesday, 29th of [the month of] Shevat, Pryluky, 5677

Notes

[February 23, 1917] Friday (“Sabbath Eve”), 2nd day [of celebration of] New Month of Adar, [1st of Adar], 5677, Pryluky

Notes

[February 26, 1917] Monday, 4th of [the month of] Adar, Pryluky

Notes

[February 28, 1917] Wednesday 6th of [the month of] Adar, 5677, Pryluky

Notes

March 1917

[March 4, 1917] Sunday, the 10th of the month of Adar, 5677, Pyruky, [OS date in Julian calendar]: 2/18/1917 [but should be 2/19/17[83]]

Notes

[March 7, 1917] Purim night [Wednesday, 13th of the month of Adar] 5677, Pryluky

Notes

[March 13, 1917] Tuesday night[92a], 19th of [the month of] Adar, 5677. Pryluky

Notes

[March 20 (or 21), 1917 NS][93c] March 8, 1917 [OS][94] Tuesday [or Wednesday][94a] night, 27th of [the month of Adar], 5777. Pryluky

Notes

[March 21 (or 22), 1917 (NS)],[99a] Wednesday [or Thursday] 28th of [the month of] Adar. Pryluky. March 9, 1917 [OS]

Notes

[March 23, 1917] Sabbath Eve, Eve of the New Moon for [the month of] Nissan. Pryluky. [Friday, 29th of Adar, 5677]

[March 26, 1917 NS] Monday, 3rd of [the month of Nisan]. Pryluky, March 13 [OS]

[March 27, 1917 NS] Tuesday, 4th of [the month of] Nissan, Pryluky, March 14 [OS]

Notes

[March 27 (or 28), 1917][111a] Tuesday or Wednesday night, 5th of Nissan [5677], Pryluky. 15/9-17 [OS][111b]

Notes

[March 30, 1917 NS] Sabbath Eve, 7th of Nissan, March 17, [1917 OS], Pryluky

Notes

April 1917

[April 1, 1917 NS] Sunday, 9th of [the month of] Nissan, 5676, Pryluky

Notes

[April 8, 1917] Sunday, first of the intermediate days of Passover (Chol Hamoed Pesach), Novograd Volinsk, [16th of the month of Nissan,] 5677

Notes

[April 20, 1917 NS / (April 7, 1917 OS)] [Friday], Sabbath Eve, 28th of [the month of] Nissan, [5677], Novograd Volinsk

Notes

[April 25, 1917 NS / (April 12 OS)] Wednesday, 3rd of [the month of] Iyyar, Novograd Volinski

Notes

[May 2, 1917 NS] Wednesday, 10th of [the month of] Iyyar, 5677. Novograd Volinsk, 4/19/17 [OS]

Notes

[May 8, 1917 NS] Tuesday, 16th of [the month of] Iyyar, Novograd Volinsk, 4/25/17 [OS]

Notes

The Diary of Yitzhak Lamdan

(A Translation)

[January 30, 1917] Tuesday, [7th^[51] of the month of] Shevat, 5677, Pryluky^[52]

[March 13, 1917] Tuesday night^[92a], 19th of [the month of] Adar, 5677. Pryluky

[March 20 (or 21), 1917 NS]^[93c] March 8, 1917 [OS]^[94] Tuesday [or Wednesday]^[94a] night, 27th of [the month of Adar], 5777. Pryluky

[March 21 (or 22), 1917 (NS)],^[99a] Wednesday [or Thursday] 28th of [the month of] Adar. Pryluky. March 9, 1917 [OS]

[March 27 (or 28), 1917]^[111a] Tuesday or Wednesday night, 5th of Nissan [5677], Pryluky. 15/9-17 [OS]^[111b]