Chapter 25

 I was very excited about starting a new life in a beautiful and spacious apartment with a doorman and an attended garage.  Roman‘s school was within short and safe walking distance. With Mary, it was not so good. The Junior High School was in an unsafe  neighborhood and there was  a no-good element attending the school. Mary had to use the school bus. She complained of being harassed. Whenever it was possible, Sam drove her to school, but she had to return on the school bus. Sam was doing well buying and selling paintings. We bought a new car, an Oldsmobile.  Since we did not have any furniture, we bought two sets of furniture for children and a dinette set and a convertible sofa for Sam and me. I wanted to have a regular bedroom, but Sam considered it to be a waste of a room. We never had a bedroom set. It was always a room with a convertible sofa. But many years later, when our second convertible sofa broke down in the middle of the night, I took my pillow and a blanket and I went to sleep on the floor. Sam joined me .The next day we ordered a platform bed which I am still using.  The floors were bare except for one Persian carpet we brought from Poland.  Sam liked to buy good Persian carpets. Eventually we had two layers of expensive rugs in our bedroom and the living room. The children’s rooms had wall to wall carpet. May be, it is the reason they do not like wall to wall carpet.

Since I was working long hours, Sam was the mother and the father and the cook. His  cooking knowledge was limited. My poor children were on a diet of hamburgers and French fries. His other specialty was a beef stew .We adjusted to the new and comfortable way of life fast. Mary and Roman made friends in the neighborhood. In the summer Roman was in a children’s camp for two months. Mary stayed home.

 My position in the hospital improved. I completed the 2 years of research fellowship. In 1964 I became an attending physician with an increase of salary. In 1966 Mount Sinai Medical School was opened and I became an assistant professor. My department moved from the Greenpoint Hospital to Elmhurst Hospital in Queens.

I am a very competitive person, not able to stay still. Within few month, I organized a Combined Arthritis Group. It was Combined because it consisted of three specialists ; a physiatrist, an orthopedic surgeon and a rheumatologist. It ran smoothly and it became a very good teaching clinic for our three specialties. I enjoyed the work with my colleagues and we learned from each other a lot.

 In 1966 Roman reached the age when he should have Bar Mitzvah. He decided to have it all the way. We did not belong to a synagogue. One of our neighbors, a member of the Lefrak City Synagogue, arranged for Roman to work with the Rabbi on preparation to the Bar Mitzvah. Roman was ambitious and his goal was to read the long version, while the rabbi thought he would not be able to learn it in such a short time. We were late in arranging for the lessons. One evening I came home and Roman was very upset. He came home from the session with the rabbi and he was told that he would be limited to the short reading. I became angry. I went down to the synagogue. The rabbi was ready to leave. I stopped him and very angrily told him that if my son wants to have Bar mitzvah it is his obligation to prepare him. I told him also, that I do not believe in all that it involves, but it is a young boy’s decision and both of us, the rabbi and I, the mother have to honor it. I remember his look. He understood what I meant and Roman was prepared well. I still have a recording of his chanting, while he studied to read the required passage of the Torah.

We rented a hall in the place where there was a mass production of different ceremonies. An orchestra was hired. The catering was arranged. We bought gowns for Mary and for me and we mailed the invitations. At this moment I felt that we became a part of Jewish New York. I have to admit that I was happy and proud. We came a long way without any help. The ceremony in the synagogue was impressive. Roman chanted beautifully. After the ceremony we were congratulated. Most of the people thought that we are Israelis because Roman’s Hebrew was so correct. That is the thing about Roman: when he wants to do something, he does it very well. But it takes him a long  time to make a decision.                                                       

Roman passed the entrance examination to  Stuyvesant High School. He had to take two subway trains from Rego Park to Lower Manhattan. It was worth the effort. In the first days Sam acted as a detective.  He followed Roman, hiding all the way, just to be sure that our baby is not lost. Mary attended the local Public High School in Corona. She was placed in an advanced program and did very well, well enough to be accepted at Barnard College. I tried to talk her into  moving to a dormitory, but she preferred to stay  home and to commute to the college. I hoped, she would  have a similar experience to mine, when  at the age of 18, I went to study in France. I had complete freedom when I lived with my parents and I did not feel that I had to go away. The circumstances were different and I had to leave home. Although I was homesick most of the time, it was a good experience. Being away from home allowed me to mature and taught me to make decisions without asking my family for advice. And it was a difficult time. The war could erupt any time. The German Army entered Austria  and the Sudetenland, a western part of Czechoslovakia. The war in Spain was won by Gen. Franco. The volunteers from other countries were coming to France. Many of them were young students. A Jewish student was killed at the University of Lvov.  Anti-Semitism was  growing. The economic boycott of Jewish businesses was part of the Polish government’s  propaganda to explain the economic collapse of Poland. There were bands of people for whom the economic boycott was not enough. In Lida it was not bad, because we had a diverse population and a considerable number of the leftists. Anyway that is my explanation.
 Mary was different. She was secure at home. She lived with us until her marriage. When she moved out and Roman left for college, I was heartbroken.
 
In this story, I cannot be objective. I write everything the way I saw it, and the way I felt about the life around me. This story is me and the world the way I experienced it.

 The graduation gift for my children was a trip to Israel, a Histadruth young students’ tour to see and to experience work in a kibbutz. Mary joined the tour with her friend Julia. I remember vividly her return from the trip. At that time at the airport, one could see  the customs  hall ,and the travelers in the area. Here was my daughter walking with a tall young man. It was Harvey. I have to mention that in the High School Mary was dating Bruce. To my surprise, she came back from Israel with a different young man. Harvey was tall, heavy, with acne. He did not talk to us directly. When he was ready to talk, it was always through Mary. We tried to encourage Mary to go to dances in Columbia University. But, even, if she went, she would phone her father to take her home. It was Harvey only, from the very beginning. One Valentine day, it was a heavy snowfall, and Sam, Mary and I were on our way out, when Harvey arrived. He did not tell us why, but he asked to wait. He was very nervous.  A short time later, there was a delivery for Mary. A dozen long stem roses. Harvey was so anxious waiting for the delivery of the flowers and he was so young! It was very romantic. I and Sam we looked at each other remembering the beginning of our love affair.

When our children were maturing, we wanted them to experience feelings of attachment and closeness  similar to ours and, above all, trust in each other. Mary had it, while Roman, found it now with Eleanor We met Harvey’s parents much later.
When the children were still in school   we tried to arrange  my vacation to be able to spend it together out of the city. We chose to vacation in Lake George. To make my children happy we took along  Mary’s friend Julia and  my nephew Andrew.  It was a  pretty  place, we  stayed in a motel, renting two rooms with a kitchenette The owner of the motel was a physician.  His wife managed the place. The couple was Ukrainian immigrants. We were there three times.  It was total relaxation.  It came after the years of hard work and the insecurity about the future.

We had another honeymoon. It is funny, each  time we were out of  the daily routine, it was a honeymoon, even back in Poland. Our sex life was much more interesting when we were somewhere else, not at home. May be, because privacy was a problem.

When Roman reached the age when he was too old to be a camper, we tried to arrange for him to work in a summer camp. It did not work. He came home a few days later. Sam had a helper doing the deliveries of paintings. It was done in the evenings, because the car was available after my working hours. Life was going on and it became normalized. My salary was enough to cover all expenses. Sam used his earnings to buy more paintings. He did very well. Although his knowledge of art was limited, his eye and his intuition were superb. In a short time, he became a part of the art world. He made connections with well known dealers in the States and abroad. Sam was friendly and  had a very straightforward approach to people. He never was timid when facing an important person. He treated everyone the same way. He used to tell me that he is as important as the other person. He did it in the Gulag and throughout his entire life. Sam had the most unusual likes and dislikes and he was very open in making them known. I remember we were invited to a very well known French restaurant. The family of one of my patients invited us to dinner. We were ready to order, when Sam asked if he could have a good Jewish meal instead of oysters, and other French delicacies. Our hosts considered it to be a joke.  I have to admit,  I was upset. Our hosts were not Jewish.
In 1970 Mary and Harvey were married and Roman was accepted at the University of Rochester.  It was a very difficult time of my life.
 
Mary and Harvey wanted a big wedding with all the trimmings. I was in between.  Sam ‘s opinion was that the wedding should be elegant but not overdone. He was against the expensive china, and tablecloth. I wanted to please Mary. Our budget for the elaborate reception for over 200 persons was being stretched. After the wedding we were left with 12.000.00 dollars. Our savings were depleted, but we made the children happy.  It was definitely a time of tension. Mary applied for admission to medical school. She limited her application to the schools in New York, because it is where Harvey got a job. With her luck, she was accepted at the Downstate Medical School. It is a very good school with low tuition. Roman entered the University of Rochester. The nest was empty.  Lucky for us, there was a medical meeting in Milan, where I had to present a paper. We were able to leave the empty nest and we went to Milano.

About the same time, Sam was diagnosed as having hypertension. As independent as Sam was, he over reacted to any medical condition. When he was depressed, he complained that he has “his” virus. Sam also developed angina. He was on medication. The high blood pressure was well controlled.  Sometimes  Sam would decide to stop the medicine without telling me, and his blood pressure  would go up. I had to be a detective to guess  why there were changes in his blood pressure. Then suddenly he would complain of chest pain, and I would panic and take him to  the emergency room. The moment the Electrocardiogram revealed no change, Sam was fine and ready to run. I was in a constant fear, day and night. Our sex life, which was always very important to both of us, became very cautious.  There was a lot of tenderness and love and less of experimentation.  It became different. It is not exaggeration, when I write that Sam was my life. And I lost him much too early and in a very difficult way to accept.

Sam suffered a mild heart attack at the age of 58. He was hospitalized again 2 years later. His heart was not damaged and he was doing well. Sam loved to play tennis and to walk. He was using nitroglycerine sublingually before starting any stressful activity. Sam was slim and handsome (in my eyes).  In 1974 we decided to move to Manhattan. We moved to an apartment provided by the Mount Sinai Hospital. It was large. There was a living room with a fireplace, a large formal dining room, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a small kitchen and a pantry. There were only two apartments to the floor. There was enough wall space to display our collection of paintings. In time Sam bought nice antique furniture.  Tall Sevre Vases were resting on  pedestals. The overall arrangements were very decorative and comfortable .The closeness to the hospital was a blessing. I was able to come home to have lunch or to have a cup of tea with Sam.

It happened in May 1974. It was the year Mary graduated from medical xshool and Roman applied to medical Sscool.  I became hoarse. My voice broke while I was a speaker at a lecture. Mary insisted that I see a throat specialist. I went to see the chairman of the Ear,Nose, and Throat Department, Dr. Biller. He told me that I talk too much and that my vocal cords need rest. I was good. My voice got stronger, but not for long. I went to see a recommended specialist in the Manhattan  Eye and Ear Hospital. His diagnosis was -allergy. A few weeks later when I returned to his office, He told me that he scheduled a surgical procedure and that I should come to his office with a check for 600 dollars the day I am scheduled for admission to his hospital. I was annoyed with his attitude and I was frightened. But I did not want to scare Sam. After this visit I returned  to my office. On my way to the elevator I met a dear friend of mine Dr. Hans Shapira, a urologist. I told him the story and he just told me “ go, and see the old man”.  The old man was Dr. Max Som, a semi retired neck and throat surgeon.  I called his office and I got an appointment for the following day. I was very frightened, but I did not want to upset Sam or the children.  I was not able to count on my sister’s moral support. As was usual in my case, I had to face the difficulty by my self. I needed a shoulder to cry on, but it was not there. The encouragement and support I received was through a phone line. Most likely  it was because, I always denied that I need someone with me. I had no voice and conversation on phone did not make sense, because I could only listen or answer yes or no with pain and difficulty .I went to see Dr. Som alone. In the waiting room there were patients with similar problems to mine, mostly after surgery for cancer of the vocal cords. In the office, on the examining chair, and dying of fear, I played a self assured fearless person. Dr. Som looked into my throat and removed tissue for pathological examination. He gave me the vial to take to the pathologist in the Mount Sinai Hospital.                              

I left the office with a feeling of being very much alone. I worried about Sam if anything should happen to me. I took a taxi to the hospital. I was not able to talk at all. I wrote the destination on a piece of paper and I gave it to the driver. In my office I asked our secretary to call Sam to take me home. One of our workers went with me to deliver the specimen to the pathology laboratory. Sam came to take me home. I was in pain and miserable and totally dependent, because I lost my voice. With effort and pain, I was able to whisper. Sam was not aware of a danger. For him it was a simple sore throat, which would go away in a few days. The following day I managed to get in touch with the pathologist. He did not want to give me the result of the biopsy. When I called Dr. Som, he told me without making it easier, that I have cancer of both vocal cords. I had no voice, but I screamed like an animal. Right away I saw myself, with a vocal cord box and the frightening voice of the patients after removal of the vocal cords. I had to explain to Sam why I reacted the way I did. Sam took over. Now he tried to help me to ease my fear. While I told him what mmight be the outcome, he maintained his calm and from this minute on, he was with me all the time. He did not attend to his business until my voice came back. The following day we went to see Dr. Som. He explained that the lesion was discovered early enough and the treatment he recommended was  surgical removal of the lesion or a course of radiation therapy. He told me that the decision should be mine. From his office we went to see Dr. Boland , a well known specialist in radiation therapy. There was another examination. We sat in his office to discuss the method of  treatment. While he was talking, I made up my mind. I decided to have radiation treatment, and if not successful, to be followed by surgery. I did not know that it would be so painful. Anyway, I had no choice.  I had to think about my husband and my children. Sam had a very clever idea to get me out of my fear and depression. He decided that it is the right time for us to move to Manhattan. We considered moving to the apartment building owned by the hospital, but we went to see other apartments also. Now I was involved in two activities; the choice of  apartment and the choice of treatment. It sounds funny, but it kept me sane. I took a leave of absence from my work. The first session in the radiation therapy department was  making of a cast mold of my neck and measuring the exact area to be irradiated. When it was done, I was scheduled for  radiation treatment  five times a week for six weeks. While undergoing radiation I had to stay totally still for a few minutes. It was a torture, because my throat was irritated and I had to control the cough.

It was the summer of 1974. Mary started her internship at Beth Israel Hospital and Roman was admitted to New York Medical College. Both of my children did well.  Mary was happily married. I had another son in Harvey. A stubborn young man, but a good person and I had a feeling that he is my son. He was a part of our family since he was 17 years old.             

But in my life, when things go well, something has to go wrong.   I was only 54 and I was faced with cancer of the throat and worry about Sam’s hypertension and angina. Sam was pushing me around and was forcing me to plan the new apartment. I remember when we went to chose the upholstery for the living room furniture, I looked at the samples and my choice was a very colorful and happy looking fabric. It happened to be pretty and everyone liked it when it was done.

The move was something else. Sam decided that he did not need a professional mover. He had a man named Charles. Charles was a nice and honest black man. He and Sam were friends for few years. Charles was very popular among the antique dealers. Charles had a small truck. Harvey had a car and we had a Cadillac. It was a rainy day. The boys, Roman and Harvey, were working very hard. By the end of the day, by a miracle, everything was done except for the fragile clock and the tall vases. This needed a special trip.  It was also the day when the Cadillac was stolen from the garage.

It was very funny. Here we walk from the apartment to the garage.  Everybody was carrying the fragile antiques. Sam was leading the procession. In the garage he turned to me and he asked, “where is the car?” The car was stolen from the garage. It was recovered few days later. Lucky for us Charles was still there with his small van and we were also able to use Harvey’s car.

The apartment was nice and perfect for the display of our collection. We settled into the routine of the hospital visits for radiation and walking around the city. Sam did not allow me time to be depressed. The weekends we were stayed in the Holland club on Lake Mohigan. We had a small cottage. Sam was able to socialize and to play tennis. I was reading or walking. I was not able to talk. The worst was the ear ache caused by the inflammation of the tissues This complication was due to the reaction to the radiation treatment.

Roman moved to student housing in Valhalla, Westchester.  Roman had a roommate, a tall handsome man, who had spent the previous year in Japan. Roman appeared to enjoy his life on campus. Very often Roman would drive to the Holland Club to visit and to have dinner with us. Mary and Harvey came to visit, whenever they were free. It was good. The problem was only that I was not able to speak. A very serious complication of radiotherapy was pain when swallowing. Fluids were the worst. I was able to swallow soft boiled eggs and  canned peaches. I was not able to swallow any pain killer pill. The cough spasms were a hell. But as everything in life, it was changing with time. No one told me that the after radiotherapy time is over it is not over.   I expected recovery. It was not to come soon. The immediate  complication was tremendous salivation. I had to use large towels to spit . It was limiting and disabling. There was another complication-  weakness of the muscles of both legs and of the hands, with a partial loss of sensation, due to the inflammation of the cervical part of the spinal cord. This lasted several months.

In the meantime the voice, although strained, was coming back and the swallowing was less difficult. At some point I returned to work. The patients were not the problem. The conferences were a real problem.  My staff of the therapists complained that I am not friendly and that I wrote the orders for treatment instead of discussing it. Some people are cruel and selfish. Work in the hospital did not give me the pleasure of accomplishments.  Since my illness I did not have the drive.   I lost the ambition to prove to others that I know more and better. My children were doing well. We visited Mary and Harvey and they were visiting us. Roman had a girlfriend and had no difficulty in medical school. Sam was successful in his business.

It is amazing how little I remember of the time of my life when everything was well.                                     

There was however another complication, I had to undergo a hysterectomy for a huge fibroid I was told later that there was a strong suspicion, that the tumor may be malignant.                                                                                         

The years that followed were just a daily routine On November 17 David arrived by Cesarean Section. He was huge and beautiful. Mary almost died because of  poor judgment by her attending physician. She lost a lot of blood during the Cesarean section. I  was frightened. Sam was not aware of the danger, so nothing dampened his  elation.  It took a lot of diplomacy to persuade Harvey to hire full time help. I found an excellent nanny with a help of my secretary.  Jocelyn was from Haiti. She did not speak English. Harvey could  not speak French.  It created a problem but they were able to communicate through Mary.

Sam and I were happy to take care of our grandson.

Sam passed away on July 28,1982

My granddaughter Sarah arrived exactly 6 month later January 28, 1983.
 

 September 11 ,01
In the last hour, there were several  major explosions in New York and in Washington. Something terrible is happening. This reminds me the beginning of the war of 1939 in Poland. At that time I was young and I did not realize the horror of the things to come. Now I am very frightened. Everything comes back.
                      End